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Pillow talk

Submitted by lovedly on Thu, 2014-08-28 21:41

as she slumbers in her sleep
she mumbles
come home tonight
tis so dark
but he in some
Pillow talk on ones
else's arms
does naked stalk
can't walk
dead drunk,
my is he,

how he wishes
he was with thee

your poetry is not only lovely
tis sexy
says romantic poet
in me
so be happy!
.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2014-08-29 03:55

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

This needs a tidy up, the line:-

Pillow talkones else's arms,
just needs an edit,

Good write otherwise, wasn't there another on the same lines a while back??? Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

lovedly

Fri, 2014-08-29 12:57

lovedly's picture

Pillow talk on ones
else's arms,

which one
don't cry babe?

author comment

Seren

Wed, 2014-09-03 10:03

Seren's picture

It could still use a little more tidying up but its a good poem
as usual just needs you to work it a little more

love Jayne

btw its nice to see you actually working on some pieces
I read more than this one lol ;)

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

lovedly

Wed, 2014-09-03 12:46

lovedly's picture

serendipity
that you walk across
once again as before
regards and glad you are
as well once more...

loved

lovedly ...is purely technical

author comment
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