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Pillow Note #2

Submitted by raj on Sun, 2018-07-15 14:30

your pillow was missing a silken touch
like the bedside vase without flowers
the bed sheet was without a wrinkle
absent of its tell tale tattoos --

the clock on our wall kept stalking me
with its ticktock all through the night
every hour and half I heard its gong
resounding the beats of my longing

I knew not before what's life without you
now bring home your sunshine warmth
the flowers I brought don't lift my mood
because none has your charming gloss

just kiss the bud beside this note
yearning for your breath to bloom
brush of your lips will make it blush
with a scent to welcome you home

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Sun, 2018-07-15 15:28

lovedly's picture

I knew a guy who had similar experience his loss was sudden and unimaginable !!!!!!!
''''your pillow was missing a silken touch
like the bedside vase without flowers...'''excruciating words raj
This is ur best poem

raj

Mon, 2018-07-16 05:31

for the read and your appreciative words....I try to write out of my comfort zone at times and this is one of them...fact is ever since the introduction of smart phones pillow notes have conceptually disappeared..
....................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

tyro

Mon, 2018-07-16 08:53

Very sweet, and very lovely. and for this reason I enjoyed the softness.

there was only one word in the poem I did not like: throb, it seemed somehow, too strong, too harsh, for the rest of the poem.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

raj

Mon, 2018-07-16 13:51

Thanks Tyro for the read and good words....I too was struggling to use a softer alternative to throb since I had already used "bloom" ...i used throb in the context of thrill / heart throb and not in any other way...will replace it with something softer....any suggestion? would "rouse" be a good alternative? for now I have replaced "throb" with "blush"
.............................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Mon, 2018-07-16 13:22

Rula's picture
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makes an alternative?
A very romantic and tender note dear friend.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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raj

Mon, 2018-07-16 13:52

good to know you liked this version of the Pillow Note....i will think about your suggestion as an alternate to "throb" ... how about "burst" does it too sound harsh? I am searching for a word to imply thrill / excitement...know what I mean?

thanks for your suggestion

PS: for now I have replaced "throb" with "blush"
.....................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Tue, 2018-07-17 03:34

Rula's picture
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blush is a good alternative raj .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Tue, 2018-07-17 04:45

Thanks for acknowledgement Rula. I will stick with it for now unless I come up with a better alternative...Until then may be start working on Pillow Note #3 :)
........................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

tyro

Wed, 2018-07-18 04:35

Blush fits in perfectly with the sweet softness of the poem.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

raj

Wed, 2018-07-18 05:02

Hi Tyro appreciate your coming back to this page and confirming that the change in word is perfect...
.......................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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