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Pillow Note # 1
I'll be late at home
but don't feel alone
leave the door open
to let the breeze in
play with your hair
swirl strands around
your anxious face
then close your eyes
you will see in them
those chocolate nights
remember the game
we coined "hands of clock"
you the hour, me the minute
and at stroke of midnight
we glue as one
replay that clock
in your eyes
from the hour
when we just let go
I promise to join you
just in time
to pin you down
at zero
and be home
in your smiling eyes
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Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
lovedly
Thu, 2018-07-05 12:03
..
.
Geezer
Wed, 2018-07-04 22:43
Seems
as though you could have made it longer and prettier!
The use of [it] for the breeze would have done better rather than [they].
Just too many things wrong with leaving the door open at night when you aren't home.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Thu, 2018-07-05 11:31
Thanks Geezer
for taking time to read and comment. Will see what can be done to improve.
............................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commenttyro
Thu, 2018-07-05 04:18
Hi raj
Hi raj
I loved the first stanza, but the second ended abruptly. the first stanza is all about images, but the last is a bald statement. And although the last stanza is the key, the pivot point, it does not share the warmth of the first. I think if you could elaborate a little more (the abrupt ending is three lines) and give also images there, it would be perfect.
I do not have a problem with leaving the door open, since the poem is an idyll.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
raj
Thu, 2018-07-05 11:33
Thanks tyro
for the read and comment. I will take your suggestions into consideration and see what I can do to extend the second stanza.. I thought that the whole poem is a bit too long since it is supposed to be a pillow note..
...............................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Thu, 2018-07-05 14:10
hi again tyro and Geezer
i have worked on your common suggestion by adding more content. Hope you find this better...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Thu, 2018-07-05 16:44
Pillow Note
This is so romantic. The lady in request must be really happy to get it!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Thu, 2018-07-05 16:59
Hi Rula
thanks for your good words. Actually I tried to build this poem around the sense of caring, belonging, giving a pleasant surprise and finding that feeling of home in the smiling eyes of the loved one with a bit of fun and of course knowing when the partner is likely to feel alone....
sadly with the advent of Cell phones there is no place now for pillow notes..
................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentchevyvent
Fri, 2018-07-06 13:51
This incredible piece makes one really think
This incredible piece makes one really think. About the seasons the air we breath and the touch of a hand to hold. Savor each memory that is presented. I may come across as being cold at times but i really have a special place in my heart for poetry. Everyday i search for the latest poem that comes across feeling very positive to me. Grasping the dear message that each poem has been presented. you show your growth with each delicate penned piece that I come across reading. Thank you for the chance to have read. (Poet Mario William Vitale)
Mario Vitale
raj
Fri, 2018-07-06 13:53
Thanks Mario
for your good words...
...............................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commenttyro
Fri, 2018-07-06 15:28
Hi raj yes, i find it better.
Hi raj
yes, i find it better.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
raj
Fri, 2018-07-06 15:31
Thanks for returning to this
Thanks tyro for returning to this page....good to know you notice it to be better if not the best...will keep me inspired on the learning curve...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Sat, 2018-07-07 16:26
Giving numbers
means we're going to read more of these notes mayhap?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Sat, 2018-07-07 16:29
You're right ...because the
You're right ...because the title would remain the same therefore added number to distinguish...one pillow note is not good ..what do you think?...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Sat, 2018-07-07 16:46
This means
more enjoyment for your readers dear raj.
Will be looking forward to reading them.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
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raj
Sat, 2018-07-07 16:58
Hi Rula
will be trying a few more for sure....just for the fun even though very few seem to be reading ...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commenttyro
Sun, 2018-07-08 09:31
"and be home
"and be home
in your smiling eyes"
I really Love this.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
raj
Sun, 2018-07-08 13:27
Thanks Tyro
for your words of appreciation...
gratefully..
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment