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Pietrus
Pietrus stood in the arena, facing the northern giant
his sword has fallen, his shield was broken into two
but his will ,the unbreakable steel, remained defiant
as he spat out poisoned blood that had turned blue.
Drums were beaten,the crowd roared in excitement.
Twice, the great Pietrus had proven his prowess,
when he dodged the deadly blows of the mortal demon
who had slain so many mighty gladiators.
His opponent swung his morningstar at him.
He ducked and rolled away but didn't flee.
The giant whirled to seal his fate,
only to have his head, kicked instead.
Pietrus filled the air with his battlecry
when he retrieved his fallen blade.
He lept and blinded the giant's left eye
before he struck the man dead.
The giant lay, kissing the foreign land.
His parting soul mourned the freedom, denied.
The emperor rose and barked ''Kill that man!''.
His archers moved, his orders they abide.
Pietrus spread his arms and raised his chin with pride.
The clouds parted and the sunlight shone on his armour
Hate-filled arrows sliced the air, sending him to his bride:
the woman in heaven, his one and only lover.
The spectators watched in horror and cried out in protests,
forcing the emperor to give the order for their slaughter.
The brutality stained their gleaming soldiers' crests,
as their prey's eyes condemned their tarnished honor.
Pietrus' death sparked the fires of the rebellion,
revealing the brave men who rise to be legends
Their courage hailed by a whole nation
as they became heroes who triumph over the tyrant. .
.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I want to write an epic poem. I need help to improve on this piece.
Alid
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Comments
Rula
Fri, 2015-10-09 11:32
Salam Khalid
This is an ambitious writing. Loved the story as it tells the story of all the people who live under the mercy of the tyrants.
I don't know how I can help with this, but I always learnt that with such lengthy pieces you need to have a consistent meter and rhyme through out.
Remember when we were parsing each line when we wrote the sonnets? Ok. ok, I know this is a time consuming task, but it is the only way to find where do your verses stumble.
The ending rhyme also goes like abab but other stanzas violate this scheme.
I very much anxious to see what you're going to do with it.
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-10-09 11:54
Salam, Rula
I wanted to make each stanza abab rhyming format. Can you show me an example where I've gone wrong? I can't see it.
Alid
author commentRula
Fri, 2015-10-09 12:18
some of these
prowess/ excitement
reach / instead
rebellion /nation
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-10-09 13:21
Salam, Rula
actually I'm rhyming ''prowess'' with ''gladiators''. The second one , hmmm you're right. the last one isn't a rhyme? I thought they do! still not perfect rhyme. sigh.
Alid
author commentalidzain
Tue, 2015-10-13 22:18
Salam, Rula
any suggestions on how to change the 'reach'/''instead'.rhyme?
I'm out of ideas.
Alid
author commentRula
Wed, 2015-10-14 11:46
may be you can change
ducked and rolled away out of reach
to
He ducked and rolled away [but haven't fled]
What do you think?
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alidzain
Wed, 2015-10-14 12:45
Salam, Rula
thanks for the suggestion.
Alid
author commentRula
Fri, 2015-10-09 16:02
sorry
I wanted "demons"/ " excitement"
I understand some are slant rhymes.
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-10-09 16:10
Salam, Rula
I'll take my rest now. Will come back to it some other time.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Fri, 2015-10-09 19:07
Alid
An embryo of an epic, there in the story could be more action from both sides, the battle was too short.
The start should be an inroad to the killing place then the aftermath, must become of more interest.
eg: The reflected light from the giant killer, blinded the archers, lets not strike him down so, he is a hero and let him have some time of honour before he is cut down..
Take care will see later how things go,
Yours as always, Ian..
.
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Unconditional love to you all.
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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Sat, 2015-10-10 17:20
Hello Ian
my mind is blank for now so I'll see what I can do when I return to this.
Alid
author commentalidzain
Sun, 2015-10-11 04:50
Hello Ian
The main character is poisoned, that's why I didn't stretch the battle scene but you may be right. I gotta think how to stretch it but he has to die at the end for a couple of reasons.
1) The crowd expected the emperor to honor the champion in the arena (see the gladiator movie)for him to do the opposite and order his execution, sparks anger. There are people betting on him and don't want to see him die. Amomg them are the ''nobles''.
2)When the crowd snapped due to his death, the emperor sees it as a form of defiance. He is too proud and egoistic to accept it, so he ordered their slaughter, claiming the lives of some of the moblemens' kins.
3)The emperor lose the support of the nobles who wanted revenge. They actually funded the rebellion and bribed his guards and hired mercenaries to cause trouble.
Part of my inspiration came from the "Gladiator" and "Braveheart". I know I still need alot of work on this and some details I've said above are missing in the poem. Let me think about this.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2017-05-17 15:20
Proofread it.
There are some typographical errors. Missed spaces and the like. Don't let something get by you.
Otherwise, It has all the parts necessary. Exposition, Complication, Climax and Resolution. It will stand alone if you will allow it to.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Thu, 2017-05-18 17:10
Mark
I honestly don't know what you are talking about. This Pietrus has nothing to do with that song/poem. I was thinking on how to create a story with a hero character which could die and still bring about the downfall of a powerful enemy. Yes, he is a gladiator but he HAS NO gladiator lover. I thought I made it clear when I described how he embraced his death to join his dead wife, realizing the emperor will not let him live anyway.He did not commit suicide,he was MURDERED.
The giant was promised freedom if he killed Pietrus, someone who might be a threat to the emperor. When Pietrus won, the emperor still give the execution order on Pietrus. The spectators are not happy because it is a great dishonor. The emperor who feared any threat to him ordered their executions as well. His death bring about new heroes who freed the land from the tyrant..
If you noticed properly, the main character's idea was MOSTLY inspired by the main character in the movie "The Gladiator".If the name confuses you, tell me or suggest to me another greek/roman name that might be suitable for this kind of epic. I don't even know anything about an existing song/poem with Pietrus as the main character until now. For your information, I will never try to improve on another song/poem story character. That's just not my style.Anyway, I apologize if I confuse you and yeah, I'm mad when you accuse me of posting the weakest of the lot??. lol.
So go ahead, tell me what's a better name for the hero.
author commentalidzain
Thu, 2017-05-18 17:52
Mark
In truth I'm not sure what name I could give. Anyway, I still need to wait for Jane To check it out. Maybe she can help with the hero's name.Just not good with roman/greekname. They sound complicated.
Alid
author commentjane210660
Sun, 2017-06-04 06:56
Excellent
I am in continual awe of your command of a tongue that is not native to you.
Well done Alid, you have caught some of the atmosphere brilliantly.
I think the name is fine, I didn't associate it with anything else. The trouble is, there are limited ancient classical names to use, nearly all of them have some association, but I think this is clearly your own character. To me anyway.
Jx
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alidzain
Sun, 2017-06-04 13:58
Thank you very much, Jane
You've been a great help.
Alid
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