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Phoenix

My dreams turned into ashes.
Blinded by mocking grim clouds,
I've lost my way, denied by fate,
I crashed onto the ground..

Don't you dare pity me!
Let the others sneer and snort
Whatever they think of me,
I cared not!

I will be revived!
I will rise again!
For as long I'm alive
My will shall not bend

Wait for my return, dear friend
I will clasp glory in my hands
and silence the mocking words
which have hurt me without end

I won't yield to failure
I won't succumb to defeat
because I am what I am
I AM THE PHOENIX!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I had a girl tell me once that every night when she went to sleep she died. And in the morning she was born again...I will show her this. This must be what she means

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

I'm glad you like it. I like to invite you to check out my 'Vampire"s Night. Tell me what you think.

Alid

author comment

That poem of Jayne's must have put you in a spin,
So glad that you have been born again
Normality changes day by day
As we react in a different way.
Great write loved it, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hers is not the only one. This is also the idea i get from Jess through his critics telling me to man up. there are other poems and critics which drive me forward in my struggle for self- betterment. You are one of them sir and I must say that I am blessed to know all of you.Still thinking of making this piece more better.

Alid

author comment

Still it tells the story of life and its trials. If you come out clean on the other side then the journey isn't the important part, its the lessons learned from what we have done. In my case my refusal to become like much of my generation and succumb to smoking and drugs was just my "pride leading me into battle" very relateable

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

in that, we are alike and I believe we are wiser because of it. I couldn't understand why people want to poison themselves just to have a few moments of fun and false peace which will have a negative impact on their health in the long run..We have scientists and doctors which revealed their harmful effects and still there are people out there who refuse to listen. Its a total disregard for life. At least that is how I see it.

Alid

author comment

It makes for a lonely teenage/twenty to twenty five year life. The people who I could date, love, or live with is a mere fraction of what it could be. I refuse to be with a smoker. Sometimes being the only one who sticks to their guns is the worst thing of all. Especially after losing the one who stood with me on these points. But she became one of the crowd. Not cigs but pot drinking and I'm pretty sure a few others. I asked her to stop. Or to regulate it. I was never there. So I asked her to either let me be there or stop going...basically I wanted to compromise with her and she made a choice neither one of us will ever be able to take back. I never commanded I just asked, begged and pleaded sure, but there was always a choice. I'm sure I'm better off but it sure doesn't feel that way. 3 years is a lot to lose with someone you wanted near your death bed when the time came...not to gush. Just a piece out of my recent past. But I'm keeping this poem close to me for sure thank you for being so relatable and basically writing a piece of my life. Maybe I'll try to equivalent it some day

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

sometimes its just feel that way. Sometimes love can make someone be a better person. When you have done all you could for a relationship, don't regret when it failed. My advice is do your best not to look back and think of what could have been. Maybe its just not meant to be or its not the right time. Some people became wiser as they grow older then they will change. Remember change takes time. Stay true to yourself. If you are strong you can be friends with anyone and not get influenced with their bad habits easily. I may not agree with some of my friends' habits and choices in life but I don't let them change me and I don't allow the differences between us get in the way of our friendship. All of us have our own bad habits. Sometimes we are not aware of them. What is okay to us may not be okay to others. You may feel that you are trying to help the person but that person feel as if you are trying to control them and became defensive. what i'm trying to say here is you don't have to be alone. you can't help the person who couldn't or refuse to see that they have a problem. they will regret it later in life but like i say its their choice, their fault and its the consequences they have to face as a result of their recklessness. Be flexible in friendship but be very clear and firm when it comes to love. You can PM me when you need someone to talk to. I'll be here.

Alid

author comment

I like where your going, but, there is always a but there is another layer of meaning underneath the words that's when you will find your 'unique' voice and a fresh way of telling something that we have heard a million times before, some of your poem is cliché I don't mean to be a wet blanket but some of it is, but, another but lol, there are lines like...

blinded by mocking grim clouds

I have never heard of clouds being referred to as mocking before maybe I missed something and I know I have but reading as much poetry as I do I have read the same line a hundred times a hundred and multiply that by a thousand different lines....for me that line is awesome I got an instant picture in my mind of dark ominous clouds looking down on me with a sneer on its face great imagery

The poem itself is tight and the theme is consistent but I know you have it in you to find that something 'more', and I will be here waiting when you discover it ;)

love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you for the visit and the honest feedback. I'm still working on it, still struggling to find my way. Unfortunately my time is very limited due to work and family commitments. I always have ideas for the theme but its penning them down that is the problem. Just hanging on here.

Well about that line "blinded by mocking grim clouds' you totally dig it. It IS the image that I wanted to portray. The clouds represent one of the things that lead you astray from your path. At least that's how i see it.

love and hugs
Alid

author comment

Many have commented before me and I am sure you will pick up some good suggestions. This is a good poem about evolution of one's personality, redeeming of self belief and a feeling of de ja vu.
While doing so one should take care to stay away from pseudo rationalization, otherwise one may get a "know all" feel which could decelerate the learning process which would then be counter productive...

good to know that you now feel good about how you have progressed in your poetry skills...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks for the visit. I'll be getting back on it when I have the time. Thank you also for the feedback. I think that's what Jayne means when she say this one is tight.

Alid

author comment
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