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Phase II... Primal Poetry Phase II

Church darkened
Candles guttering
Coffins full
Spirits departed

Garden variety
Vegetable flowers
White butterflies
Good luck

Holes in the earth
Sandy soil
Wet and raining
Fade

French horns
Thrill me
Guitar's plaintive cry
Mixed pleasures

Swirling galaxies
We are apart
She understands
She doesn't like it

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I did better this time. I waited until I was ready to write and succeeded in closing off the mind and letting it wander away by itself. I had successive dream movies and feel better about this one.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

we are reporters, not interpreters.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

for a truly frightening depth of raw honesty here?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

On who's part? The reader or the writer?

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

my own deep dark shadows.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I did see the darkness here. I was bold enough to write it, then denied my hand in it. Sometimes, I scare myself. ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Wow! I love the flow, but there's something I need to understand, what is the last stanza trying to employ in this poem, and what is the exactly theme of this work? The first stanza didn't tell us how the church got darkened and how candles guttering, and spirit departed? Where did the spirit comes from?. Stanza two the last line, I didn't understand what you meant by "good luck" the poem is really written completely in phrase form, but what is the sense in it? I only ask, don't be bored, we're all learning.

Collins

interpret this poem, it is important to understand that it is part of a workshop, that uses a technique that requires one to enter a dream-like state and just write down what you see in mind's eye. I can interpret the scenes, because I dreamed them.

1] At the first, I was thinking of the friends and family that have died and gone to wherever one goes when you die.
2] The "good luck" is derived from some people believe that seeing a white butterfly near you is a sign that one of the departed is near you and bringing good luck. [Especially good luck if they land on you].
3] The last stanza is about my wife, who understands my passion for some things, but doesn't like them.

Thanks for the read and comments, I'm never bored when someone asks for clarification of one of my works. It helps me to understand how better to reach the reader.
Thank you, ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Now I understand better! I love your pen,Sir.

Collins

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