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A Pet I Could Never Keep

When falls the night-all go to sleep,
your snores,so loudly breathed-they sweep
my dreams and blow away and drown
in thoughts, until 'tis dawn

When falls the night-all go to sleep,
you step inside and neatly leap.
My senses jaunt in many trips
with fairly gilded wisps

When falls the night-all go to sleep,
you come to sight and slowly creep.
Your ghost, a spook, a wraith, a shadow
that only I could follow.

When falls the night I fall asleep
to weep a pet I'll never keep.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is only about an imaginary pet, a cat to be more precise. Hope you like it.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Some of the sentences have trouble making sense (they do, but you must read several times carefully to understand) and I'm not crazy about some of your word use.
E.g. "jaunt". It can be used as a verb as you did, but somehow it seems clumsy.
As well "weep" doesn't work. It can be used with or without an object (in this case the pet), but you don't quite do either one. What we need is- "To weep (for) a pet..."
As for the assignment, these are all (save the last) quatrains. Since it is such a simple poem, I might have tried to do it without enjambment and let each verse somehow stand alone, but that is certainly not necessary.
I'm sorry I picked on this one, but your recent work has been so special I couldn't just let it go without a little whining.
Now go pick on my assignment. It is serious drivel, but it made me laugh.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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but honesty,especially from you sir.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

for giving the time to read and comment on these lines. Being my first experience with such a theme, I am pretty satisfied with these lines

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I read this a few times, seemed perfectly understandable to me, I liked the enjambment.
Some words are archaic 'way, 'tis. Also 'fairly' doesn't mean much and the list of ghost, spook etc is a bit repetitve as each is just another word for the same thing. These are very minor crits and overall I loved the rhythm and flow.
all the best
Ross

in the first place. To know that I have succeeded in establishing a flawless one gives me a boost.Thanks Ross.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Well the form has already been covered which only leaves subject. Could be a bit clearer about this being an imaginary cat but that might keep dog lovers from thinking about it being a K-9. Much easier to have an imaginary pet as its loss doesn't hurt as deeply..............stan

Isn't that a name of a weapon. Is it that ambiguous Stan?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

keep forgetting differences in slang.....K-9 is military slang for dog.................stan

I know you prefer the dogs better than the cats. I might think of something special for dog lovers though not me not for a million yeart ahead . :)

Thanks for the clarification

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

i really enjoyed the re-reads to make the sense of it
and ended up enjoying the language

but i still don't really like your shortening of some words - some are ok - 'tis for example but in
'my dreams and blow them 'way to drown' - you really would do better using the full word
suggestion
'my dreams to blow away and drown'
(this first stanza is my favourite btw)

two tiny things
‘you step inside and deeply leap’
can I suggest
‘you step inside and neatly leap’
sounds more like a cat to me

and
‘to weep a pet I'd never keep’
maybe
‘to weep a pet I'll never keep’ ?

love the refrain
‘When falls the night-all go to sleep’

great meter, and I really like the feminine line
‘your ghost, a spook, a wraith, a shadow’
it makes us pause in just the right place

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

your suggestions dear Juddy
and for the nice words.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I like the shifts of usual rhyme
to something different
because instead of what I would at first
appearance of this in your work
would consider a work in progress
it is dotted throughout
so it is your style

I myself like your use of "weep"
and I wanted to put in the descriptive
"ghost" at the end of that line as
"sleek" those flitting things of the
minds eye at night..

but nothing lined up after this to follow
into the rhyme scheme
so my hats off to you Rula
a truly imaginative work here

Thank You

For giving the time to drop a generous comment.
I am really happy you like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment
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