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Perspective
I spied a Sylph upon a lily leaf
and watched her sail- a Captain on the sea.
She dared at speed the knife edge of the coral reef.
She fought the squall with laughter cold and free.
A lotus bloom her banner, spider’s in her lines,
their weavers by the dozen were her crew.
Her emerald gaze was sharper than the flashing tines
of Neptune’s triple scepter sea steel blue.
With but a hand braced to the mizzen mast,
she flaunted wind, the rain and cried aloud.
The crew held to their posts as in times past
and list to her… a most attentive crowd.
“Where go ye wind, I go as well,
for you will press me on to find my doom.
We’ve seen Valhalla’s Light and torched our way through Hell
and saved the curséd Queen of Ikanlum.”
Her cries came to my ear full strangely wrought
and so unlike all tongues heard hitherto.
Imagine my keen wonder as my thought
was privy to her meaning through and through.
Her voice was harsh and sultry; tinged with rage,
but righteous honor did the tone infuse.
While all her words were steeped in hoary age,
a weird as red chiffon hung round her cruise.
“Then press me to Elysium my friend,
for I grow weary of my life at sea.
Yes, I would feel the thistledown; my soul to mend,
and choose once more another thing to be.”
The ship sailed black horizons out of sight.
My heart grew heavy feeling what I shared
was but an instant in an epic fight
and that- an interlude of all she dared.
How do we, after knowing the impossible,
return and tread the pathways we have known?
When mystic faith becomes a thing as palpable
as raindrops, lily leaves and glist’ning stone.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is for Rory to read, but if anyone else wants to comment for god's sake (and mine) do so. I particularly love this poem and only those do I want The Roar to read (you to Jane, this is also here specifically for you).
I will write again! I will write this sort of poetry. If only for Rory and Jane (and you Jess, my mentor).
I am so thrilled Rory is here.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Southern California
Favorite Poets
Tolkien, Byron, Longfellow, Shakespeare, Dr. Suess, Elizabeth Browning, Robert Browning, Dickinson
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2017-06-01 13:57
Wow!...
really nice work Wes. I love the style and theme, I've always liked poems of the sea and this is a great one! The flow and rhyme were right in sync and the language use excellent. The title... I don't get how it works with the poem, but it caught my interest and I guess that it served it's purpose. ~ Gee.
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Ali Zonach
Thu, 2017-06-01 18:52
Splendid work, Wes;
the sylph upon a lily leaf who took her crew on a adventurous even perilous journey--what a fine captain she made. Is the possessive apostrophe in spider’s a typo? Great images and excellent use of language. Nothing but kudos, sir.
Ali
QueenS.L.O.W.Th...
Fri, 2017-06-02 20:05
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!
I love it, I love it, I love it! I do agree with the first commenter though, the title does not fit with the poem. The rest is spectacular! The language is fantastic, the plot line is magnificent, and everything else is just as great!
Two questions to think on:
(Neither of these answers need to be in the poem, I was just wondering.)
First, is the lily leaf in a pond, or a real sea? I feel like lilies are most likely to be near a pond than the sea.
Second, what is Ikanlum? Is it something you made up, or a myth, or... what? I can't find it on the internet, which is why I asked. Sounds cool though!
Again, I love it!
wesley snow
Sat, 2017-06-03 08:59
Perspective.
You said below that you get it. Good.
How can we see the impossible and not be changed? How can we look on life the same way after having experienced something remarkable.
Like you.
The location is as described. A lily leaf. The impossible. The land is fictional. Just one of the many places she has adventured in. So much adventure! And yet we see only a moment in her exceptional life.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentQueenS.L.O.W.Th...
Fri, 2017-06-02 01:47
Hey?
Hello again people of earth!!!!!!! (mainly Wesley) I was just here! I'm new. So......
WHO IS STAN!?!?!?!?!
I've heard of him a lot but I have no clue who he is!!! Should I know?
Help please.
jane210660
Fri, 2017-06-02 03:08
Hi Queen
Welcome to Neopoet. Lovely to meet you.
Stan is Scribbler. You might already know him, a great chap.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
QueenS.L.O.W.Th...
Fri, 2017-06-02 20:02
Hi Jane
Lovely to meet you too! That was helpful. I heard Stan a lot more than Scribbler so I got confused. Thank you!
jane210660
Fri, 2017-06-02 16:54
Hi Wesley
My critique may be in several parts, partly because it is a long poem and each time I read it I find new 'perspectives' and partly because I have limited internet access at the moment.
Firstly, I think the title is great. Life is all about perspectives and this little lily leaf is really a huge sailing ship - on one level. It's just a matter of perspective. Added to the fact that a mere lily leaf can change your perspective on life. Through that leaf you glimpsed the unattainable.
The poem has a lot of classical strands to it. There is a Shakespearean feel, in my mind anyway, hints of The Tempest. The vocabulary strengthens that connection. Then a hint of The Odyssey too -' “Then press me to Elysium my friend,' and reference to an epic fight.
Some lovely alliteration -' Neptune’s triple scepter sea steel blue.'
Fantastic use of imagery throughout, I love the image of the spiders crewing the boat, many legs make light work - lol.
There is one line that loses me though, not sure if it's a typo but I don't understand it. 'a weird as red chiffon hung round her cruise.'
It seems to jar and lose the flow.
The last stanza is for me, the crux of the whole poem and one of the main reasons the title is so totally appropriate. I love it. I tried to write a poem once, with a similar theme, but far less clever than this. (Peripheral Vision).
I love your clever, classical poem, to ponder on one of life's burning questions.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
Esker
Fri, 2017-06-02 17:17
Ode to to the slog of the lode
or load....do we view our purpose in life
as grinding along
My newest dog is a Boxer...
she has her chin up
her jaw jutted out
her eyes are alert..
I recognize in human facial
cognizance this trait
in your avatar..
U my friend are a survivor
of odds.....
no head down demure
mine as askance
i was..am an evaluator
of systems
South cali...sultan sea
mexico...
palm springs...
fault line
Your work is awesome
you kick it out there
deserts and mountian tops
and gutted valleys pouring
growth and pesticide waste
starve or survive....my fave
movie of James Dean is
hopping off that freight car
...my fave authors were of
Steinbeck.
right now....true time...i helped
many....my ass is in sling
homeless.but many like me
ive been homeless before
many are working for me
im such an odds bodkins
brass to the earthworm
ive worked
I love systems
james deans immediate
death by car crash
got hit by a car other day
but lived....
clark gable wrestling that
horse for maryilns producer
hubby for the movie misfits
he died of heart attack not
long after....Misfits..
at his age..in the desert heat
taming that horse..still
that was real....he tamed that
horse.........i would rather have
his death then Errol Flynns
who was no war hero like Gable
...we pull our load
do we die honorable
or disgraced
it is in perspective
lily pads...
so true..
simplicity...
thank U
mr wolf
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-06-02 18:13
Thank you.
.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentQueenS.L.O.W.Th...
Fri, 2017-06-02 19:59
Oh.
Oh. I read it again and I get the title now. Now it's nothing but amazing.