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Persephone..... sexual content

Submitted by zebra on Tue, 2018-10-30 13:58

it was a dark dance
of an immovable body
as she was taken by the throat,
death, causing stupendous distortions
and entrancements of lunar landscapes

she reeled pirouettes between smothering
and seeing through a miraculous inner eye
deepening her sense of nothingness
as if pickled in a jar, and suspended in
formaldehyde

held buoyant
where there is no reason for anything
moveless in a veiled corridor
inhabiting an innerness, a raven fog
her panties wet with the scent of fear and sex
she fell through the earth
into the infernal arms of
Hades

his tremulous kisses
a thousand glittering eyes
she could see through

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2018-10-30 19:23

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that it was necessary to post this as sexual content, although it may be a good practice, in case you forget? I think that as you have already said that she was pickled in a jar; that the thought should be continued, instead of tacking it on to the rest of the sentence with an [and]. I would say it without the and, using just a comma. I would also delete the s moveless. I'm willing to concede that moveless may be a word, but not movesless. Another word that kind of bothered me was [innerness]. I got a refresher in Mythology as I remembered something about Persephone, but not who she was and consequently went to look her up. I also gained a further perspective of the poem as a whole. I liked it. Good title. Geezer.
.

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zebra

Wed, 2018-10-31 05:56

zebra's picture

move s less EEEEK terrible typo and having read and edited numerous times I scare myself not catching it. I mentioned the word sex and panties.... Its difficult to gauge exactly where the line is so I claim it as sexual content to be on the safe side and yes not to forget which I'm prone to

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment ,,,always appreciated!

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2018-10-31 14:24

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You are fitting in here nicely, yet not letting us determine your perspective. We need more like you.
Thank you for sharing. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zebra

Wed, 2018-10-31 16:00

zebra's picture

That is really appreciated Geezer. After 3 yrs of roaming like the homeless poet on platforms that had little to offer you must know I'm truly delighted to be here. So thank you kindly my friend

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

:) yee ha

author comment

IRiz

Tue, 2018-10-30 20:43

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Hi Zebra.
Your poem is strong, downright dark and painfully evil.
Now show me your other side.
I think, you are multi-faced poet.
I like your neologisms.
But i would remove the first s from movesless

IRiz

zebra

Wed, 2018-10-31 07:18

zebra's picture

Yeah it was a typo of move s less I'm at war with diffusion and sadly it wins often The correction very appreciated !!!!

Yes I hear about the darkness, I tend to explore that part of myself as a writer quite often. I suppose its a deep need and quite frankly excites. A kind of therapeutic unlocking. I'm also enamored of writing dangerously. I ask you does the dark side have a certain wisdom? Biblically and esoterically the divine self effulgent light is emergent out of darkness, iconic of the TAO. I draw a lot from hermeticism and the Royal Yogas of Hinduism

The last 3 lines
"his tremulous kisses
a thousand eyes
she could see through"

Are not meant as evil but as an awakening i.e.. Persephone is mythically the embodiment of the dead living as opposed to us the living dead, having only 5 sense's, and unaware of our higher vehicals
Persephone is disembodied and occupies the more subtle "body electric" with greatly expanded awareness as expressed in the lines
"a thousand eyes
she could see through"

and is she not loved
"his tremulous kisses" i.e..... and through that love she spiritually advances
as expressed in the last 2 lines
"a thousand eyes
she could see through"

The evil is in part content, as it does deal with death, but also perhaps a gothic milieu

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my work and comment It is very appreciated!!!
Best Always
Z

author comment

IRiz

Wed, 2018-10-31 09:03

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I hear you about how writing heals
and creates a world
where three dimensions
sound like a flat joke.
"Seeing through a thousand eyes"
is a great image that elevates the whole poem.
It is a great ending.

IRiz

zebra

Wed, 2018-10-31 16:06

zebra's picture

So appreciated my dear ...very,very !!!!
You gotta know I like it when you like it !!!!!

;)))

author comment

IRiz

Wed, 2018-10-31 16:12

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:)

IRiz

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