Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Perfect, After you're gone
Better and better everyday,
Every moment you walk away,
Everyday you fade away, Piece by piece by……………………
BUT
Better and better I become,
Further and further I can reach,
Every moment is a miracle decision,
How you fade is my motivation.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2021-07-28 10:22
Welcome to Neo...
This is a powerful piece, that says you are recovering from this bad relationship! Your title is good and drew me in and that is a good thing. The pacing is good, although the form is not that pleasing to the eye and makes one try to follow it; taking away from the work. I'm not sure of the [But], it adds a question here, where there should be none. [ it makes a question, by saying [but], But what? I would much rather see the line say: And so, . It is logical and consistent and the theme is a constant throughout most everyone's life. [There are some people in our lives that we would be better off without]. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Obadiah Grey
Wed, 2021-07-28 12:06
I sense a resilient, strong
I sense a resilient, strong woman here, (*ahem* best be careful of what I say)
You've said quite a lot in such a short piece, and with unerring clarity.
I liked the indented lines, if only for the fact that I haven't worked out how to do it yet!
Thanks, Lola. Looking forward to More.
Obi.