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The Patriot

Slowly he walked down the brown, dreary lane.
The morning was late and soft was the rain
Upon his scarred face and hands all stitched o’er
With marks he had earned when he fought in the war.
His brown eyes were heavy with memories from
The times after he had left behind his home:
The battles and gunshots – the face of each friend
Who’d fought by him bravely and died in the end.
So many now gone who would nevermore see
The land and the people they’d left to keep free.
How little they knew – the ones home and safe –
How great was the sacrifice their soldiers made.
But how sweet the air for this home-coming last,
And blessed the great ground o’er which his feet passed.
He’d do it again, if threatened by war
His country was. Yes, he would do it once more.
Yet now he was sad, for though he gave all
Nor shrank from his duty when raised was the call
For soldiers to arm, yet still those back home
Were set to forget all the pain he’d come from.
They would not admit that he’d fought the great foe
To save them from bondage and slavery. No,
Instead they reviled him, blamed him for the war
That he never started nor ever wished for.
They said that he killed the helpless just for fun,
When that was what the other side had done.
They said that he tried to conquer and enslave,
When all that he had done was defend and save.
They called him a villain, a murderous scum
And he wondered why he had ever come home.
Slowly the sun pushed itself through the rain
And lit up the mountains, the trees and the plain
With splendor so vibrant they all seemed to sing
With joy at their freedom and his home-coming.
The soldier stood still and looked down the lane
Where over a house all wet with the rain
There waved a bright banner of red-white-and-blue
Which, seeming to greet him, said “I trusted you
And you never failed me. Through bullet and bomb
You carried me high for those back at home.
Do not be worried or hurt by their blows;
Remember you fought so that they would not know
What pain really is or fear, or despair.
It is not right, and may never be fair,
But you know, and I know, and even more God
In whom is our trust, knows the battles you fought.
Thank you for fighting – never giving in.
Thank you for helping your brothers to win.
Thank you for caring and bearing me through
The storm. I fly only because of you.”
And there, in the lane, beneath the bright sky
Where freedom was free and the flag still could fly,
A man was seen standing, saluting with a
Tear in his eye and “God bless America.”

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem came of an idea that failed three other poem attempts, two short-stories and a script. So remember - it was written in sweat and tears. XD To all Patriots and especially those who fought for America's freedom: Thank you for everything.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I'm not keen on offering critique, and there isn't really anything wrong with your poem. However--"And especially those who fought for America's freedom ...." your own last words are the spoiler for me. Please, name a time when the USA was actually in jeopardy of being invaded? Pearl Harbor? 911? Sadly, in my opinion, we are in more jeopardy of destruction by internal forces. We Americans have always taken our own wars to other countries. An invasion of our country has been, and always will be, a pipe dream of would-be conquerors. Other than this--good write, Thaly. Yours,
Van

The revolutionary war, the war between the states, the war of 1812, pearl harbor.....just a list of wars where we were invaded

For freedom to be threatened, the people's land need not be in danger, but their lives. Countless Americans have fought and died to defend their country from terrorist giants in the East who would nuke America as soon as look at her. So, yes, America has been in danger of destruction and loss of freedom (for how is a life of terror free?) ever since she became the United States.
And yes! Destruction by internal forces is a very present threat as well. I have yet to write a poem for our own law enforcement agencies (FBI, Police Force) but hope to someday. Thank you for bringing that lack to my attention.
To say that an invasion 'will be, a pipe dream of would-be conquerors' is, I believe, a dangerous level of confidence to have. Any country can be invaded and conquered by the right army/general. I, personally, do not put America outside the danger zone for that, and am thus even more thankful for our men and women in green who put their lives on the line by their willingness to defend us from any and all attempting conquerors.
Thank you for reading and your compliments. :)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

think the "army" of armed and trained civilians we have likely makes most think twice or even thrice about trying to actually invade us. Just the number of liscenced hunters is larger than any army (including our own) in the world. And all these hunters are snipers by definition. Would any sane leader try to invade a country full of armed snipers who are backed up by a powerful military too?

beginning to be deprived of our right to bear arms. Once this process is complete (which could be as little as five years), an invader would have little trouble or cause for hesitation.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

"from my cold dead hands" I'm an old guy and thus don't have a lot to lose in taking a number of fascists with me if they try...........

have more to fear from you than any army of young soldiers. ;)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

All thru-out I am reminded of the experiences the returning Vietnam Vets received. Very fine way of pointing that out. Rhyme and content are impeccable, i usually do not appreciate rhymed pieces, however in this one I felt a connection. Thank you.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Those were the exact reminders I was trying to give. I am thrilled that you could see them there. :)
And thank you again. I always write in rhyme, so perhaps someday I shall be able to compose such works that non-rhyme-likers and rhyme-likers can equally enjoy. The greatest poets, I have discovered, can make the rhyme disappear into the thought. This is my aim.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

I've nothing to add to my comment, but want to take the opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year and good health. Van

I think it's pretty good save a single thing. By not putting stanza breaks you present the reader with an intimidating "word wall" .No place to catch one's breath or consider what is said. Just an opinion

You make an excellent point. I shall have to look into seeing if I can split "The Patriot" up into more manageable chunks. Thank you for bringing that to my attention!
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

Stanzas are to poetry what paragraphs are to prose

Excellent point.

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment
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