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Passing of The Night...

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2018-05-26 16:00

I play tag with black memories
Dark forces twist them so
Chasing the half told stories
Through haunted houses of lost souls

Screams of horror echo in the night
Tears squeeze from swollen eyes
Dark shadows creep just out of sight
I can’t see them, though I try

What manner of ghosts do roam?
How do they come alive?
Just tell them go, please go home
If you wish that I survive

Take them away, hold them back
I’ll do anything
Luther, Paddy and good old Jack
The bad, nasty dreams they bring

Tonight, I’ll drink unto their names
I remember every one
Drunk enough, I’ll play their games
Then tomorrow it is done

Another year I have lived more
Than the friends that I have lost
Soon, I’ll pass behind that door
What will the passage cost?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

raj

Sat, 2018-05-26 16:05

Vividly touching is how I would describe my experience of walking with you through "passing of the Night"....

while we walk in the present the past follows us like a shadow
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raj (sublime_ocean)

raj

Sat, 2018-05-26 16:21

I'm wondering if "Silhouettes at Night" could also be an alternate title for your poem. Just sharing a thought no more than that...
.........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Tue, 2018-05-29 19:02

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I'll have to think on it. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

Eumolpus

Sat, 2018-05-26 20:54

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and I too am haunted by the death of friends, who die of things you're supposed to die from as you get old. It is a moving work with a great stance, one of pleading to the abstract for answers, in a great tone and language. The rhyming is done simply and masterly.

I would consider: I don't like the idea of tag, it's a fun thing children do and for, too playful in a serious poem...as an opener, it sets the wrong mood. I would even consider dropping the first stanza altogether, as the poem works great without it. But I really like "haunted houses of lost souls" I would make that the title.

The last line introduces a new concept outside the poem. One thinks of the island of the dead and paying passage. The idea of paying to get into the house...doesn't hit me. I would not offer any ideas here to end the poem, it's too personally from your gut. Or as I recently posted a poem, "with the blood"
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Geezer

Tue, 2018-05-29 19:37

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as you say and my gut; tells me that [tag] is still the way I want to go. We used to play the game with the added twist of "tag back". If you could tag the person back before they could get away, they would have to go on and "tag" someone else. I realize that there may not be many people that relate to this, but feel that it still leaves in one's mind, the proper image. The reply that I gave to Seren [Aussie sister], may give you some insight as to the thought behind those last lines and paying to pass the "Door". I do appreciate your thoughts and suggestions though and always consider them carefully. Thanks, ~ Gee.
.

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author comment

Seren

Sat, 2018-05-26 21:27

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Omg this is sadly brilliant. And that last stanza is really special. I felt a kinship with this poem. I have lost so many friends. I always say every day above ground is a good day. And that when it fails to be so ? I hope that they've saved me a place at the table.

Bro this is one of the best poems I've ever read from your pen.

*Applause*

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Tue, 2018-05-29 19:23

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my Aussie Sis. I have recently had a milestone birthday, [70] and was reflecting on the many of my friends that have passed from this mortal coil ahead of me. Some that have been gone since High School [Vietnam] a bunch that have gone as a result of misadventure with drugs and alcohol, car/motorcycle wrecks and plain ordinary shit like heart attacks and stuff. I also wonder if there is an afterlife and what happens when you go too? Do you pay the fee for the many times you feel you did the wrong thing? Is there anything to the idea of Karma? I used to feel that there was nothing after...
You are just gone. Maybe the idea that we are temporary and of little consequence to the world at large, has me hoping that there is... Glad you enjoyed and feel a kinship here. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Bro

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

tyro

Sun, 2018-05-27 08:35

Both touching and powerful, a great combination. And it does cause one to ponder.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Geezer

Tue, 2018-05-29 19:44

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you share the vision of this poem as I wrote it. If it causes you to wonder or ponder, then it has succeeded in sharing my thoughts with you. Thank you for your great comments. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

gregwa8

Wed, 2018-05-30 21:34

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this is very powerful. like a good poem, it needs no explanation, but carries the reader where the author intended them to go. it's got us all mourning the loss and hoping for the reunion.

Geezer

Thu, 2018-05-31 07:49

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right where I want you! Thanks for the read and comment. ~Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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