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palms

Submitted by emeka ozurumba on Tue, 2014-03-11 14:04

on cotton skinned
skiened transparent
cross-commas, dash
scattered funambulist
of who we are
clasping writ by trees sketched
before bud relinquish
foliage soul

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
the palms on the hand have a scattered line pattern i draw theme from, the cross-commas, dash, refer to these lines that seem sketched, science has a pattern call for these lines on the palms but cant meaningfully still explain what, and why, the palms are also soft like cotton much different from other parts of the body,
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

BettyBuff

Thu, 2014-03-27 16:26

BettyBuff's picture

'On cotton
skinned skeined
transparent
cross-commas dash scattered
funambulist
of who we are
clasping writ
by trees sketched
before bud
foliage soul'

Hope you don't mind me doing this to your work.

I enjoyed reading the imagery and by rearranging I can 'hear' the soundscape that the words make, supporting your theme. Rearranging offers you the opportunity to use assonance and alliteration to hook the ear.

It's just how I see your piece.

Ellie

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