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The Paintbrush
High in the sky, buried among the clouds
Warmth carried on the breeze
Painted vibrant hues of joy
Heavier, clouds grow, grey
No matter, high above is play
Sinking, unnoticed, heavy raindrops fall
Firm ground, jumping, shorter, louder
Climbing, reaching for the sky, no problem
Red paintbrush growing, covering, blinding
Kicking, screaming, prickly wind, hit in the face
Plant a seed, grow a flower, call for the rain, louder, louder
Still to jump, still to fall, forgotten
Puddles, flooding, sinking, take a deep breath
Red and blue swirl together, hard hit, swim, swim
Stay afloat, heavier, heavier, deeper, deeper, kicking harder
Sun shining, hard earth, sun gone, darkness
Yellow paintbrush, blinking, running, smiling, gone
Polkadots in the dark, moon, beautiful flowers
Pick them, smell them, dying, dead
Morning sun, shining, showing
Puddles to jump in, kicking, pause, laughing
Raining, wet, flowers grow, trees climb
See the clouds, touch the clouds, fall
Pick up a paintbrush, dot the sky
Swirling the colours, shining, rainbows
Singing, floating, here comes the wind, warm to the skin
Still the darkness, never forgotten
Remember the paintbrush, always keep going
Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2020-05-06 08:57
Hello Markers...
Welcome to Neo. I hope that you enjoy your time here and we see more of your work. It seems to me, that you are depicting the passing of the days of the seasons. I felt the changes. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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c lynn brooks
Wed, 2020-05-06 10:22
Markers
I felt a little uncomfortable with the abruptness of the sentences made it feel choppy
I do however like the concept especially the use of a paintbrush
nice idea keep going and keep posting good to have you here at Neo
Chrys
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Gracy
Thu, 2020-05-07 12:05
Hello Markus, welcome to the
Hello Markus, welcome to the Neopoet family. Do keep posting, you'll learn a lot here. I do.
I find your poem a bit choppy, as others have said. I suggest cutting out some repetitive words. I like the paintbrush idea, I'm thinking of Van Gogh right now.
Sitting out on a field, as he did. Below are suggestions for S1:
High in the sky, buried among (the) clouds
Warmth carried on (the) breezes
Painted vibrant hues of joy
(Clouds grow heavier, grey)
Heavier, clouds grow, grey
No matter, high above is play
I would also remove "no matter", but that's up to you. It will make it less like prose.
Enjoyed, hope you keep 'em coming.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury