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THE PAIN THAT NEVER GOES AWAY

My life has a dominant bitter component,
I can no longer fix aright and feel better,
ever since my light has gone and waned,
I'm now fumbling around in total darkness.

My infectious smile is no longer attractive,
I'm disgruntled, dismayed, what a terrible life?
things turn bitter through no fault of mine,
or am I predestined to go through all this?

My academic years have gradually gone by,
I'm living every single day in my memories,
my hard earned grades now 'cut and wounds',
my heart bleeds in pain of the past but at last,

I'm not a loser, I am an achiever, a goer,
I'm already breaking limits before you all,
my time has ripened, I am in the spot light,
the staff of life is here now with the poet.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

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Comments

"I'm now fumb[ling] around [in] total darkness.

things turn bitter through no fault of mine

"or [am] I predestined to go through all [this]?

My academic years [have] gradually gone by

[I am] not a [loser]

my time has ripened, [I] am [in] the spotlight

Little things that will make it smoother.
Hope that things get better. ~ Geez.
.

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

Thanks a lot Gee ...! Rightly fixed!
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment

You are seeing places in Life (lately) in your work that you have been writing about, and if this is another example, then you have nicely done “despondancy”. In other words, the maun character in this piece could be someone else, not yourself.

Geezer’s suggestions are ones that I might have made. I like the four line stanzas.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Ray, the poem goes straight to me. It really happened.
That's my expression about it.
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment

Looks like you might pull it together a tiny bit if you will. Your rhythm is in 12 which is good to maintain per line because of the possible options (if you are off a tad)
Line 3 and possibly more to study. So, if you hear in that meter naturally then I can see why you write so well.

The message, your life, so well spoken. Although I have been accused of always ending happy lol Then I went and understood bittersweet----....
Thanks
Later,
Mark

I appreciate you for your kind words. Would you please throw more light what you really mean by " Line 3 and possibly more to study.
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment

You worked with 12 syllables per line so I take it you hear your lines there in 12.
Except for line 3 where you wrote in 9. That stood out to me so I mentioned it.
ever since my light has gone and waned,
Where you work with so many syllables it should be fairly easy to add 3 and keep the meter consistent.
I would try describing your light just a bit perhaps or more on waned? They don't need to be complicated words. I wouldn't want to put words in your mouth so up to you.
There may be other lines as such in the poem check em out.
Later,
Mark

Now I got your text right. Thanks !
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment

Now I got your text right. Thanks !

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment

The previous have provided suggestions I might have made so I will simply say good blank verse on a subject best understood by people who have built up some years

Thanks a lot Scrib for stopping by.
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

author comment
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