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The Owl's Foe
What can I say to all the owls
Have lingered nights in shadows; yet
Have slept a wink at common hours
And woken when the day has set
Arouse the night-birds and his peers
For darkness ain't but friends with sleep!
And soon the sun will wake the day
And all be up, but you, asleep!
What can i say to all the owls
Who hoot and cry the whole night through
"Arouse! Arise! You sleepy things
For darkness is a foe with you!"
Review Request (Intensity):
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How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
swamp-witch
Thu, 2017-07-27 10:00
Hello Basya,
I enjoy how this poem brings together classical forms and modern word choices. I also enjoy the dialog of waking up the sleepy things. There is definitely a whimsy in this poem that I appreciate a lot.
If I could make a few small suggestions:
First, I would say that "night-birds" on the first line of the second stanza should either be singular (night-bird) to match the use of "his" or "his" should be changed to "their" to match the use of night-birds. Does that make sense? The pronoun is not corresponding to the noun as it is. It's just a small grammar thing, but as the reader it can be a bit confusing.
The second suggestion would be to change "foe with" on the last line to "foe for" or "foe of". I think those would be more smooth than "foe with".
Hope these suggestions help! Welcome to Neopoet and hope to see more from you.
Kelsey
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