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Over The Rainbow...

Lost in a world not of his making
The messages went around in his head
Oh, why have I been, so forsaken?
And he cried; "I'd rather be dead"

Lions and tigers and scarecrow brains
Full of straw and cotton stuffing
A tin-man left out, rusted in rain
Feeling alone and simply worth nothing

Empty of love and two drops of sorrow
He built walls that kept closing him in
No thought of what may happen tomorrow
Going through life with a big Cheshire grin

Then came the day he knew what he wanted
A place in the sun, somewhere to call home
Tired of feeling that he had been haunted
A place that he'd stay, no need to roam

Oz seems too far, down the yellow brick road
But home is where the heart is connected
A soul that is paid for, still isn't sold
If it never is collected...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thank you all for your help in getting the title right and to Alan for his help in the rhythm of it.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.

I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.

I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment. Haven't seen any of your work lately, ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

I shall be brave and say this seems to be the story of a man lost? Forgive me I would like to hear more about this poem if you would be so kind.

Thank you...Teddy

the story of a man who feels like he has been lost for many years, estranged from his family and friends and not able to connect with his life as it is. Now, he is slowly asserting himself, understanding that he can control his life and feeling like he will be able to find that place in the sun. Thank you for asking. ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

Thanks for that so I wonder if I could see the other title? Just to compare. It's really a beautiful peice of work

Thank you...Teddy

Feeling lonely and simply nothing

May I suggest using the word worth
Feeling lonely and simply worth nothing?
Just an idea but that line needs a push
I also have an idea for a title

Tin Man? Or over the rainbow? Something in keeping with the theme anyway.

Thank you...Teddy

your idea of the simply [worth] nothing. As to the title, it was originally "Terrible Tom" but I felt it didn't reflect the theme at all.
How about "Under the Rainbow"? ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

I am really enjoying this. So under the rainbow could work, but here's why I said over the rainbow because we find the pot of gold and he found his feet by the sounds of it, Tin man because he was empty and eventually got what he needed. What ever you decide will be right I am sure. I just wanted to throw some stuff around "terrible Tom" sounds like another poem you will write with mischief inside it. I'll watch this space and am truly glad to help.

Thank you...Teddy

Over the Rainbow. It kind of reminds me of a Pink Floyd song; something said in "The Wall". Not really sure what it was. ~Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

I loved pink Floyd and the wall, it's the guitar that is the true hero for me.

Thank you...Teddy

I have a great deal of trouble remembering words to even my favorite songs, as I hear voices more as instruments. Funny that.
~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

Hi, Geezer,
I like the way this moves along in a Wizard of Oz fashion. Really clever, but then I took a side step when I read Cheshire grin, which made me switch my thinking to Alice's Adventure in Wonderland. A small distraction for me. The final stanza brought me back to the Wizard, though. Those last two lines are striking.
Thank you!
L

the side-step to "Alice in Wonderland" but I wanted to show that he has been masquerading as being satisfied in being where he is, smoking his hookah with a big grin on his face. ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

I get it! Puurrfect!
L

Amazing how you have given Oz a whole new meaning
great job on this one I see no errors at all

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)

Still working on it, so it may change a little. The title is almost certain to. ~ Gee.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

the title to "Over The Rainbow" as been suggested. ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

Excellent....for me it's so much stronger with the new title, but as long as you the poet feels it.

I am also in the workshop with scribbler should be interesting I personally love the title of poems.

Thank you...Teddy

'The Wonderful Wizard of Oz' is a great theme for lending itself to poetry Geezer (I believe they made a movie of it too).

Your title (over the rainbow) has become a cliché over the years I think, although I sense that you like it. I almost expected a music score to go with the libretto. For my money 'Beyond the Rainbow...' would have added a little more subtlety, whilst still maintaining a fantasy theme.

The rhythm etc. is almost there for me. Stanza 1, L2. I might have sneaked in an extra syllable and said 'The messages went around his head'. A letter can make all the difference (especially if it is from a friend).
In Stanza 2, L2 how about 'A tin-man left out, rusted by rain'?
Aha! Stanza 2, L4. In metre 'Y' is counted as a vowel (6 vowels in 'metering a metre') and we have adjective 'lonely' and adverb 'simply' so close together on the same line. I (were it my work) would drop the noisy 'y' vowel at the end of the adjective and replace it with a silent one ('e'). Thus ' Feeling alone and simply worth nothing'.
Stanza 3, L2 might be a mite longer for my aged ears, say, 'He built the walls that fettered him in'.
Only the first 3 stanzas are in my thoughts ~ you seem to have gotten the hang of it by St.4.

Now how about beginning and end? Your piece begins by telling us he is lost and stanza 1 tells us of his state of mind ~ he would rather be dead. That is good (poetically speaking of course), now we know where we are we can read on.
I particularly like poems which end in ellipsis (if possible) as it tells me this is not the whole story but I may have to work the rest out for my self. This is where the subtlety of my suggested (but not compulsory) title kicks in. 'Beyond the Rainbow...'

It's been a while since I commented on your work Geezer, for which I apologise, so I am happy to visit this very day ~ alas, you may not be as happy about it as I. "Well you did arsk" as we say here in Blighty!

Good poem, of course, and only one crit. per stanza (including title) ~ on average that is.

Now! Dare I click 'Save' ?

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

of course I dare.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Alan, for your help with the meter and rhythm. I took a couple of your suggestions and used them, but I like the sarcastic cliché of "Over The Rainbow". ~ Geezer.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment

A poem I'd have never thought to write (a Good thing lol0/ A few ideas to pass on :
Line 2-the messages raced in his head
Stanza 2,line 4- Feeling lonely a worth almost nothing
Stanza 4 line 2 - a place in the sun to call his home
Just a few ideas from a head full of straw

I will let this settle for a while now. I did change the 2nd line just a bit. ~ Gee.
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Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

author comment
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