Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Outside the Realm

Outside the Realm by RW

these cloth wrapped feet shuffle on the king's road

eyes ever watchful, I jump at a toad

fear stands implicit, for those who by birth

not blessed a noble nor with courtly worth

the nights gripping fingers, witchy cold claws

near the inn quietly breaking all laws

my back against wood and mortar to warm

numbers of knights to my inn they will swarm

if I make a sound,a horse thief or worse

my neck in course noose they can't reimburse

mere days will take me off road to the hills

where my life, my wife will ease all my chills

for horrors swirl under sky's burning helm

the price of a man who lives outside the realm

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I know the meter is flawed. That's why I'll be spending a lot of time trying to align my self to fixed meter. I've written good strong pieces before but I wish to be able to do meter effortlessly. It has never been, it' nearly always craft work that takes me hours and usually leaves my poem with a new story and very little of the original piece.
Editing stage: 

Comments

The theme is very good and a new slant on those that have and those that have not.
Never could understand why we let them breed to increase the population, it should have been two children only for them and as many as we would like for us, or at least till we produced a Son..
This will get them going Lol...
Yours Ian Thomas Howard of Norfolk (La La added by Sparrow)

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Yes, I guess it does more or less come down to class, riches, or poverty. I was looking at a 1500s type era in England as a setting. I think I'm beginning to get a bit better at detaching myself from my own work. The strongest thing I see here is the palpable feeling of dread. The sense of being surrounded by danger. The worst is the lack of consistently correct meter. That's my new nemesis. Thanks for your critique!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I was a little bit perplexed about if you were the owner of the inn or simply staying there. Once I found that you were a man of low-birth, I realized that maybe you hadn't even the money to stay at the inn, but had just slept with your back against the wall of the inn, so as to stay warm. Not sure if you meant that you were a horse-thief or that you might be taken for one because you were skulking around out back. I think the word that you were looking for is spelled [coarse] not course, but then you might have meant it as to say that you would have been taken for a thief, as a matter of course? Good story and good rhyme! ~ Gee

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

You got me on the third one! You found (I was very happy to see) exactly what I had meant to say in your first two points, but yes, the noose should have been coarse, not course. That one got past me. Thanks for the critique and the kind words.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Even today there are those who can't keep warm, get food, water, whatever. Your poem highlights an age old problem. Those who are needed by the wealthy will be well fed, watered and warm. While those who they see of no worth will be dissowned. Good poem. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Surely it is a concern today as well, though I'd like to think that the ring of established non-profits help to some extent where they couldn't have in the 1500s. I appreciate the appraisal of the poem. I'm walking the razor of not choosing a knee-jerk side with the riches thing. The whole Cayman Islands/Swiss bank account thing is complete bullshit. The upper crust voting fiscal and tax laws with a decided personal conflict of interest is bullshit. The competition I don't care about, if it is a fair context. Modern Capitalism is about building empires, and history tells us that empires fall. But I digress....
Thanks Roscoe,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I agree that it is a good idea to practice perfect meter in order to become proficient at meter. That doesn't mean proficient at perfect meter, nobody does that, not even the masters. It also means you need to let go of the need for great, meaningful poetry whilst practising perfect meter.

The poem feels like a compromise between striving for perfection and meaning. In my reading you will hear I only need to make one change for flow:
near the inn quietly breaking all [of the] laws.
Elsewhere it does feel a bit contrived with grammatical inversions for the sake of rhyme, like:
numbers of knights to my inn they will swarm
my neck in course noose they can't reimburse
These are really, really hard to fix. Some might say they are just the price of consistent rhyme.

Nonetheless a strong, well-crafted poem.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s057tYwVIblt

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.