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Outer Valance

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Sun, 2012-09-02 21:24

Outer Valance

-Blue Demon77
- 1
-
I got it in and adjusted the rabbit ears
-
snow men in a staticky flow
-
pieces missing pixels dancing
-
a part of the ancient show
-
-
where nebulous gods play kill by numbers
-
no longer knowing what's above or below
-
-
-
- 2
-
at a death a tree will drop a leaf
-
unseen in a forest deep
-
the photo-negative celebrity show
-
the entire wired universe will know
-
vibration organically on a silver string
-
fire burns, water flows, earth stoic moves slow
-
while air comes as breeze
-
or as tornado
-
-
3
-
a host of voices scream in the distance
-
to tell we've lost our way
-
maybe original sin
-
or maybe yesterday
-
-
-
- 4
-
-
-
one
-
candela
-
in my cavernous chest

still shows, some times when allowed to flow
-
I see the orange ember glow outward
-
again willfully bound
-
not to what's found
-
instead to what I'll bestow
-
and for every sad hour, every sad second I throw
-
words on a page hoping someone will know
-
this path is littered with footprints
-
and they are not alone.
-
in every ecstacy,
-
multitudes
-
hold hands with me
-
a drop of rain in Jungian sea
-
a destiny of plurality

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-09-02 23:30

weirdelf's picture
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see how this reads-

Outer Valance
1
I got it in and adjusted the rabbit ears
snow men in a staticcy flow
pieces missing pixels dancing
a part of the ancient show
where nebulous gods play kill by numbers
no longer knowing what's above or below

2
at a death a tree will drop a leaf
unseen in a forest deep
the photo-negative celebrity show
the entire wired universe will know
vibration organically on a silver string
fire burns, water flows, earth stoic moves slow
while air comes as breeze
or as tornado

3
a host of voices scream in the distance
to tell we've lost our way
maybe original sin
or maybe yesterday

4
one
candela
in my cavernous chest
still shows, some times when allowed to flow
I see the orange ember glow outward
again willfully bound
not to what's found
instead to what I'll bestow
and for every sad hour, every sad second I throw
words on a page hoping someone will know
this path is littered with footprints
and they are not alone.
in every ecstasy,
multitudes
hold hands with me
a drop of rain in Jungian sea
a destiny of plurality

Now this to me answers all we were looking for in this workshop, profundity, memorability but adds readability and reader-friendliness.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-03 15:38

BlueDemon77's picture

I have many of my free-form poems in this format because in AOL poetry rooms I used to participate in frequently, we used a software called Poetry Reader 2.0. In this software, the dashes cause a pause in printing the line for either dramatic effect or to slow down the pace of the text appearing on the screen. Either way it wasn't relevant here and I just didn't think to make the change. Sorry about that and thanks again Jess.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-03 05:07

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

as jess suggests

i gave up reading your version - thank jess for his, i read it and was carried along with it

most memorable for me
'...hoping someone will know
this path is littered with footprints
and they are not alone'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-03 15:31

BlueDemon77's picture

The poem was formatted that way because in earlier groups I've written in, we used software called Poetry Reader 2.0 and I never thought to change it. Basically, one line comes out at at time with this software if a dash is used. I hope you enjoyed despite.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-09-03 23:58

Esker's picture

I really dig your poem Ron!
I dont care about the format Know why?? I still get people to show me
their handwritten poems...NO format just old fashioned lined notebooks
or NO lines..shopping lists telephone numbers smudges
Books people live out of like life..

and now knowing where all the dashs come from I think it ads to
the eerie poetic form for it..It is like a screen of flowing electrons spewed out by
a gun in digital flick ...but one would have to know how a television vacume
cathode ray tube works...Luckily in our family my mothers side we had
an Uncle who was a repair man!

and in some of my crazy street friends work its on lined paper
and they dont space at all.....but they write beautiful haunting works

I like it Ron...

"snow men in a staticky flow"

I love RABBITS by DAVID LYNCH its crazy

Im happy I was spoon fed with poor reception and delve
into hard copy so I can intuitively see through all the
grainy grittiness that makes this so cool!

Thank You

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