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Oubliette

Like the deepest darkest chamber
Way below the castle wall
There’s no one to see the teardrops
There’s no one to hear you call
High above a light is shining
Is that laughter you can hear
People talking, people playing
While you’re petrified with fear
Though the cell is non existent
You have only you to blame
There’s no lock there are no bars
But, it holds you just the same

Editing stage: 

Comments

Short, concise, and knocks you out all the same. I especially like the title, as it is very fitting.....but... (yes, there's a but) when you add it to the first couple of lines, it makes 'dungeon' become almost redundant. Oubliette, French for dungeon. Literally translated to be 'forgotten place'. It displays that you're no longer editing this piece, but what would you think of just the small change to the first line? Something that keeps with the darkness of the write, but not too cliche, you know? Maybe vault?

~ Jess K
"A parakeet is one who takes care of you until the real keet arrives.." - George Carlin http://www.centranthus.blogspot.com

Jess you are so right,
so I have taken your advice and changed dungeon to chamber (it needed two syllables)
Whenever conversations turn to crime and punishment I will usually chip in with "bring back hanging, the cat o' nine tails and the oubliette" you'd be surprised at how many people say "oobly what?"
Thanks for the comment it was much appreciated.

John

author comment

I read with trepidation, hoping against hope that the last line or two doesn't spoil it by bringing in a punchline.

Not that I've got anything against your funny works, they are very funny.

It's probably the juxtaposition of your humour and serious works that gives each their special impact.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I'll have to make a point of doing the odd serious one from now on, although the funny/odd stuff seems to come more easily.

John

author comment

I get lots of stuff like this whizzing around the old grey cells, getting it out and written down is the difficult part.
Many thanks Lonnie

John

author comment

Avery different write for you. You brought the entire meaning of the poem home in your last few lines and they struck a chord deep within
beautiful work
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thank you Chrys,

I'm glad that you got "struck",

John

author comment

is the number of ways this could be interpretated! it can really be applied on more than a few levels!
it's like a little toy i can play with. thx for this one.

t_f

Isolation can happen to anyone, even in a crowded room where you know everyone.

John

author comment
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