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The Other Side. ....(REVIEWED)

Submitted by lovedly on Thu, 2018-05-03 18:09

The other side
reminds me of a young girl
immensely in love
her heart to be operated
early in the morning

She spoke to me
ere this happened
as if all was normal
(I wasn't aware
she was in ICU)

From the hospital
she sent a sms
to her best companion

'meet you on the other side'

My daughter cried
and said
Pop
I am also going

Though now I knew
'twas hard to console her
and I said Darling

'There is no other side.'

come over in my arms
and your tears hide
she embraced me
it was a long one
her friend had
her unknown journey
by then already begun

Solitary
which by now all know
is customary
there is no other side

Believe me

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-05-03 20:19

Eumolpus's picture

The overall meaning, or better feeling, comes though strongly.
A few things small things. Not sure you need the "..." at the end, the poem seems complete , not drifting off, and it is no place else punctuated. I don't think you should repeat "my
daughter" twice. and lastly a small confusion I had was with

My daughter cried
and said
Pop I am going

it is assumed she is going to the hospital, but if so I would clarify...going to her bedside?

The overall effect, the stark and cold truth the speaker tells and the self assured attitude works really well. Poignant.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

lovedly

Fri, 2018-05-04 09:26

lovedly's picture

Your feed back was immense .
Please now do reread
isn't it much clearer and better

This is a true incident
The real incident was also posted
when it actually happened
last year

author comment

lovedly

Sun, 2019-02-03 06:28

lovedly's picture

Dawn of APRIL
or be it my only Dawn
when she was young
and
we both in love were war torn

you have dished out a poem of reality
all one needs to do is now
just think what is the whole truth
(read it ten times)
sure enough
you will beat me
as I don't believe in SPIRITUALITY
my life swims on
the surf of human REALITY
be as it may
I know when comes my day
I will be merged with clay
some where far away
none know that pathway
it's different for each one

author comment

lovedly

Sun, 2019-02-03 12:26

lovedly's picture

so be it =amen

author comment
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