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ORISON: Now And For The After

First Tell:
I grew in bits and in pieces, subject to grieve and uneasiness, I saw the stars, dreamt of them, wished for the moon, desired the sun. But cuncurrently, my past was my only adversary, my only competition, I knew all I needed was FAITH, I was so sure my convictions and beliefs were at best the only team I had. The only option in this very time of my need was to only but take a step, and so I took it and left everything in the fateful hands of the morrow.

Second Tell:
But now I have seen and I'm sure that the morrow was never intended for me. But then I couldn't say never to the resilience and undying spirit I harboured towards my trials and my troubles to make my mark, I wished for myself to do more, to be more, and to mean more than my reality. And then suddenly, a thought: from yesterday found me, dusted and fed my imaginations, and then I thought; Why not? Was my yesterday that ugly? Is it still seemingly that ugly? So I resorted to visiting her: A first for me.

She and I, Us:
I met her, but then again something she said struck me, she said: "Has there ever been an answer amidst arrogance? And even if there ever was, was it ALIVE? Is it still LIVING?"

Third Tell:
And then my mortality and limitations were made bare right before my very eyes, my wisdom was somewhat anulled and rendered inconsequential to her might and majesty. And then, I was a FOOL yet again for trusting and making friends with a total stranger out of a thought of which shape-shifted itself into a kind spirit, and tricked me into believing that assumptions were never costly.

Fourth Tell:
And so, I sorrowfully gaited right back to my reality and met so much more than was ever existent, just there, waiting for me with my own share of corrections and leftover uncommitted choices and decisions at hand lingering in an around my very being, and AGAIN! A thought came: Don't you think tomorrow might be better? Why not only but TRY!

Tell of Realisation:
And then immediately, I stood to face with my own mind and betraying imaginations and decided to make a HOME out from that uncomfortable and itchy burrow of mine, that reality,, to do and make it through to the morrow, notwithstanding my troubles and their relatively destructive elements.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


Your title is okay, but I think Prayer would be better than orison.
Your language use is good...but it's way too wordy. You can do better, by cutting out superfluous words.
The cadence and pacing of this poem is bad. As I said before, structure lends to cadence, focuses meaning and engages the reader's attention. That's not happening here, in these blocks of writing that have little poetic rhythym or flow.
The theme appeals to me, but again, I'm losing interest as I read, because the reading is a task due to lack of cadence and flow.
I like the beginning, but the ending is much too wordy, and by the time it is reached, reading it has become a chore, and not something that either grabs my imagination, or my enthusiasm.
It's a great pity that you do not seem to want to write porty, just blocks of texts that meaning, emotion and description all get lost in. The internal logic is inconsistent, because of this.
Hope this helps.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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