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Origami [Sunku WS]

Submitted by raj on Sun, 2018-03-04 13:27

Still waters
were soaking
my paper boats

I jumped
out of their
sinking feelings

Quickly
turning them
into balloons

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
In one of her comment to a post of Ian, IRiz has mentioned something like "Sunku is a good medium which processes the pain into a higher form of thought" This Sunku is my attempt in that direction. I'm aware that the first line "Still Waters" is 3 syllabi instead of 2. Haven't found yet a suitable alternative to bring forth the effect in the context of this Sunku. Again to quote IRiz a little crack in the Vase makes it more life like
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

IRiz

Sun, 2018-03-04 14:54

IRiz's picture
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I love your work.
The image is bright and fresh and it literally elevating. Lol.
I am not sure about it, just asking, perhaps
sinking feeling is better than feelings?
It is you who expericing the feeling correct?
Maybe I misunderstood.

IRiz

raj

Sun, 2018-03-04 15:58

Thanks for your time to read this in your busy schedule. Good to know that you loved this Sunku. Hope you also read the last few words.

To answer your query I have to say this. The "sinking" is with reference to the first stanza expressing fear about losing the "thrill" associated with sailing a paper boat which may sink . And yes...i relate to those paper boats having that sinking feeling so I jump out before it's too late. Does that sufficiently express the mood and answer your query?

Come to think of it..I think "sinking feelings" is a more accurate and direct exression. Thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks again...
.....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

IRiz

Sun, 2018-03-04 18:22

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I agree. Thank you for your explanations.

IRiz

trekker

Sun, 2018-03-04 15:32

Nice piece. Says so much with so little. I love the imagery. Good job! trekker

raj

Sun, 2018-03-04 15:34

Thanks trekker for taking time to read this. Good to know you liked the compressed expressions...

best regards....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-03-04 18:46

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

A simple, positive poem. Very good.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

raj

Mon, 2018-03-05 03:41

Thanks Carrie for your read and comment. What's coming next from you?
............

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Tue, 2018-03-06 02:44

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compacts the uplifting spirit in a little gem. Don't need to think much about the first line, it works perfectly even with the additional syllable.
Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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raj

Tue, 2018-03-06 04:23

Thanks Rula for the read and your appreciation...

Looking forward to your next...

regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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