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Cold wind with prickly particles of sand,
Washed out lace of shells and silver foam,
Footprints of birds, warm pebbles in my hand
Driftwood and waves will be forgotten or
can be suspended in the depth of time

Where memories preserved as poems
It's up to me to live them through and drop
Like moths to die near the lantern or
Pick up a pen and give another life.
I am a poet after all.

Last few words: 
Mostly Iambic pentameter
Editing stage: 

Comments

and of that there is no doubt
except foot prints of birds on your hand
create a small wee ,bit of doubt
how

I mistyped. I meant to say warm pebbles in my hand. It is a central image of the poem I composed on a shore today. The spring here is belated, and contrast of cold wind and warm pebbles on the deserted beach is fabulous.

IRiz

author comment

I am aware
I visit all beaches in Canada regularly
when it's warm
now it's still icy cold
frozen mostly
i enjoy your creative poetry
devushka

It is an exercise really. But I did have the idea of spring beach. Unaccessible cold and beuatiful ocen and warm pebbles.
Thank you for stopping by.

IRiz

author comment

i'm noticing so many of the Russian poets- Pasternak, Vozneskevski, Pushkin, Brodsky, etc. seem to refer to it often, considerably more often than we see in other cultures. The process of writing, the meaning of writing...For other poets it's meat on the bone, and I personally enjoy them and of course "get it". For the majority of non poets in the world i'm not sure it's as engaging. But no matter, we are all poets here. It's just an observation.Do you think it is part of your cultural heritage?

I think this is a fine poem on the subject, Love the idea of the sacrifice of the moths. As far as the meter...I do not relate to pentameters. As a starting jazz guitarist you have to learn all the jazz scales. When you ask any jazz player about them, they tell you the scales only work when you forget about them and play. I think your playing is fine. Whose counting?
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Dear EumolpusMark, thank you very much for your interesting comment. I have not thought about it from your perspective, the same way one doesn't notice its own accent. It means I am part of the tradition. The subject to my opinion is of a wider interest because I believe everyone is a poet at some point in life at least. And more so everyone would want to preserve their special moments. The moth metaphor to my opinion a bit overused but with an iambic meter works okay.
I am climbing rocks this weekend in west virginia. Too bad I missed your class.
Best, iriz

IRiz

author comment

Lovely poem, but I kind of got hung up on what the first line of the second stanza meant. Suggestions: Were memories or Wear memories. Or Where memories are preserved … which would then follow on from the first stanza.

It starts out quite concrete, and the read is very smooth. Often I have trouble feeling the rhythm of another poet, but this verse just pulled me along.

The second part shone a light on the creative process. I especially liked,
"Like moths to die near the lantern"

I do like this fluid style of writhing.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thank you for reading and commenting.
The smoothness comes from the more or less accurate meter, where every other syllabus is stressed. Join the workshop on structured poetry for more info guidance from the organizer. Good luck with your poetry. Hope to come across your new submissions soon

IRiz

author comment

I=Iamb, A=Anapaest, T=Trochee, D=Dactyl, Am=Amphibrach, S=Spondee, P=Pyrrhic, C=Catalexis, ~ = Caesura, [x= feet per line] (exclamation marks indicate perfect meter)

Cold wind/ with prick/ly part/icles/ of sand, [5I !]
Washed/ out lace/ of shells/ and sil/ver foam,[T, 4I]
Footprints/ of birds/, warm pebb/les in/ my hand [T, 4I]
Driftwood/ and waves/ will be/ forgo/tten or [T, 4I]
can be/ suspend/ed in/ the depth/ of time [5I !]

Where mem/ories/ preserved/ as po/ems [4I, C]
It's up/ to me/ to live/ them through/ and drop [5I !]
Like moths/ to die/ near /the lan/tern or [C, 4I]
Pick up/ a pen/ and give/ anoth/er life. [5I !]
I am/ a po/et aft/er all. [4I]

I am totally impressed! 4 lines in perfect Iambic Pentmeter, 6 lines in Iambic Tetrameter but the fifth foot being  a poetically justified Catalexis or metric variation. This basically is perfect meter in that nobody can or should write it like a robot. We learn how so we can when we want to without having to think about it too hard.

Onya!

Мой дорогой гений

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Dear Jess, thank you for your warm words in my native toungue. I appreciate your input very much.
I do have a question, I thought that driftwood is pronounced with the stress on the second syllabus, and the same for footprints. Lol. Is it my accent?

IRiz

author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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