Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

opening petals of want

you touch me
and I fall away
to nothing

breaking apart
into a thousand
shards of want

I am as bewitched
as the trail
that lies beneath
your hand

incantations
sing through my blood
and I am wrought,
with my desire
to list into you

at just a touch
I need to inhale
but,

you breath life
into every molecule
to overflow my spirit
and in the abyss
of love

I lay in want
of the masters
hand

and to fall as petals
at his feet

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
changed it around a little thanks for the suggestions
Editing stage: 

Comments

you touch me
and I fall...
into a thousand
petals

the trail
that lies beneath
your hand very good image

I am wrought,
with my need
to list into you also like this line,

and to fall as petals pity you used the petal image twice
at his feet

at just a touch
I need to inhale also a good image

I liked these parts of your poem, may I suggest you try to avoid broad abstractions eg spirit, essence, want. these words have many different meanings, so they weaken the emotional impact of the poem which depends on specifics and imagery.
I like the sonics of this, some parts don't quite work but mostly it fits perfectly with what your conveying.
all the best
ross

LTNS .... you would remember me as Seren lol i always wanted Serendipity at the old site so when we reopened last year I changed my name, very glad you left your thoughts I actually entered this poem in a contest on a whim and it won, but thats not to say it doesnt need improving because it does The Professor (Keith) once told me I would always go back and edit my poems I remember a cocky aussie said NOOO I never would, he was right I am always reshaping my poems and I appreciate the help and suggestions ... lovely to see you again

Love Jayne-Chloe(Seren)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Shh!! Don't let snake read this poem about me lmao. This is one of the best free verse love poems I've ever read.Kudos..............stan

Thank you for the review I am so happy you liked it, as I said above I entered it in a poetry contest called fanning the flame and it won so it cant be all bad though I admit I am still working on this one hence why I posted it, just wanted to get some reviews and see where it takes me

hope you and the wife are ok its lovely to see you again

love Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I love this piece it gives such imagery and flows with feelings, I have jotted a few notes on this one in PM one typo stands out "Breath"
just needs an e on the end "Breathe" so that I can take some air in to finish reading lol.
You take care out there, you know that with Ross Judy Yourself and Jess
there is a great knowledge of poetry coming out of Aussie....
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I have received your thoughts on this one and when I do an edit I will gather all the strings of thought and see what I cant make from it ... so happy you liked this one its one of my favourites ... We have some great aussie talent here at the site I have a couple of girlfriends who plan to join the site I think they will both be assets to the site and run rings around me they are younger LOL im 43 now im getting old

thanks for the time and effort much appreciated

love always Jayne-Chloe xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

maybe, you might use [as I lie wanting at his feet] ? I also am in accordance with the rest of them in saying that this is a stunning tribute to the man you love. I think he knows how very lucky he is, but it never hurts to let him know. Thanks for sharing with us, Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

He's never read this one to be honest he only knows it won a comp if he read every poem ive ever written hed still be at it ... I have folders and folders and folders of poetry I am yet to finish, its finding the time thats a problem I dont get much time to scratch myself these days and being able to come and visit the site and read some great poetry, well I really miss this place and the people I have till late feburary before I have to go back so I am making the most of neo while i can

higgest bugs love Jayne-Chloe xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

it to him! L and H bugs ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

much love and higgest bugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I remember now, you're blond, good looking and from the Gong? or was it N'castle? Like you I rewrite poems I wrote years ago, not to add anything since the inspiration for the poem has long gone, but just to make it read better, more concise, better images occasionally, also at my age, 65 I don't write many new poems.
with kind thoughts of nostalgia
ross

I am blonde dont know about the good looking lol I live 2 hours north of newcastle, Taree, thats exactly the same reason I come back to poems after the inital inspiration making them read better and sometimes I think up better lines than the first ones I wrote, its so lovely to see you here and its nice to be back I've missed a lot of poetry I have a couple of months to catch up before I disappear into my studies again ...

Kindest Regards Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

passionate poem beautiful

Very happy you enjoyed it

Regards Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

What more needs be said?

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

what more needs to be said I missed you !! its good to be back I had a family thing had to duck off for a week but im back now :)

glad you liked my poem smiles

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.