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Only My Heart Knows
My heart knows what I need;
It whispers your name,
Like a sweet melody.
It dances passed my ear drum,
Like music, a bliss, endless pleasure.
My heart knows what I want;
You skin wrapped around my bones,
Enveloping me.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage:
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Comments
themoonman
Sun, 2019-09-22 22:05
Hi,
Welcome to the site! You chose a nice
little poem to begin.
There are a couple of suggestions I
want to make ...
"a bliss" should be "a blissful"
and I would drop that last line,
"enveloping me" as the previous
line says the same thing.
just suggestions,
welcome again
Geezer
Tue, 2019-09-24 11:59
To echo...
moonman; Welcome to the site! I hope that you will find the things that you need here. Feel free to ask questions, join workshops and enter the monthly contests. I liked the brevity of your work and the title was okay. I disagree with the moonman on deleting the last line. I think that it just emphasizes the feeling of wanting this person close. The rest of his critique seems valid, but he missed a couple of typos: [ passed ] should be [past] and there should be an [r] at the end of you, in the next to last line.
I would also remove the punctuation at the end of each line; they don't really add anything to the work as a whole. ~ Geezer.
.
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c lynn brooks
Wed, 2019-09-25 13:50
consider
the suggestions and corrections already made might I add mine
instead of like a sweet melody perhaps use as in place dancing past might work in conjunction with the previous line
Chrys
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