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The one who owns the earth.

Serpentine, that river
Meanders through the valley
(he sees it by degrees of descent)
Turn from smooth thin snake

To fragment, thicker foam and then
Rushing torrent.
Where he fell, no-one knows
Yet pride up there, and its beauty

Was the primary cause
(he hears a quiet applause).
He is everywhere at once
And, at once, within one

He does alright among us, but
One thing has come undone
Invisible, he might argue
That original sin was not his

But the big boss gave him freedom
To reign us all in
We, as others, are the acolytes
Who, by mere conditioning,

Would herd ourselves together
And through the din
Free fall through the cloud clod
And enjoin with him,

And this heinous plot.
Yet, there are voices,
Clearing through the field
Calling me to reason
Calling us to yield.

Numinous is a long-sought word
And one that gives me pause to stop
Without God, is literal
Yet without universe
I’m not.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Just trying to work out who runs this place.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Milton did a pretty good write up on all who Trump the world. (trompe la monde?)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Im trying to get a grip on this poem. Is there something I'm suppose to know that alludes to give its concrete aspect clarity? Is it enough for the reader to expect that the dragon always has a heinous plot; always ending in flames? Is that the context your counting on towards the fulfilment of this piece? Am I suppose to shiver in the end?....."And this heinous plot".

Sonically the feel of your language is early 20th century trying to evoke the 19th in remembrance of the 18th like a baroque English yet with out the smooth eloquence …."A birdless heaven, sea-dusk and a star" or Milton who you sight is definitive moralistic blathering's
Is this poem a perfunctory exercise

Im being hard on you because I detect your enculturation education and impulse to be amazing

On a personal note because you declare yourself to be an atheist I often wonder how anyone can make such a declaration with no way to understand perceive feel taste touch or otherwise apprehend the depth of another's experience antithetical to their own.
Are they liars, or dim witted ? Is there perception faulty or is yours?

Physicists theorize we may live in a universe with 26 dimensions of which we can only perceive 3
in a multiverse of infinite universes of which we may perceive nothing
At least in my opinion we are little more than bugs in the grass pompously declaring there is no forest

Inculturation is certainly an unambiguous term, and I certainly am no scholar of liturgy, nor qualified to make representations on this aspect of "belief" or "faith". But when I say Atheist. please realize that this is not without a sense of wonderment of the universal whole, or what we might call the the numinous.
This is a rather rough draft. I have corrected a couple of things, and and added a summary at the end. It's certainly not a perfunctory exercise.

Respectful thanks,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

This could easily be a statement that we are all our own god. Recent discoveries in quantum theory sho that we each and every one affect what is real simply by observing reality. We see and thus determine What we see.
Now a couple of typos :stanza 3 line 2, should be its not it's. Stanza 5 line 4, now you might well have intentionally written reign when you should have used rein. Is so then just ignore this change. (by ignoring it it may not even exist lol)

Firstly I think when most of us say "I am an atheist" it's not that we don't accept the possibility of spiritual dimensions we can't possibly understand, just the current (last 2000 years) idea of the garden of Eden, god making man in his image, balls and all, and all the other folklore associated with Blake's Nobodadday.
But that aside, I was interested the poem but couldn't get it. Your comment confused me more. I also can't get a grip on the poem. If that is important to you (as it is fashionable today to be vague in constructing a poem ) I respect that, but if you want the reader to grasp the poem you have to keep us in mind. How much can we the reader reach with just the words and images in the poem.?
Consider the last line...what heinous plot? That seems to be the key to open the door of accessibility. What has come undone? Who is "he"?
I would stay with either high or low language. Most of the poem sounds (feels) very 19th century, until we hit "the big boss" which feels very out of place.
You have a way with the magic of words, there's great sound in it. I just leave the poem saying "wha?"

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I certainly didn't mean to be "fashionably vague" in construction. Living with a 65,0000 year old culture, I think a lot of what we say is quite preposterous. I do hope to make this theme clearer. Thank you for your feedback, good fodder for thought.
Atheist may just be literally without god, but there are many other things in heaven and earth!

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

but the first image that struck me was the ancient symbol of the snake eating its tail. For those who have never seen it, the symbol is a snake in the shape of a circle that represents the all-encompassing life consuming itself to exist. It is ALL life. The descent from a place of true-being into a vulgar story of representing its connection to original sin is its undoing and was the creation of those prideful ones in power (in the name of God) who formed religion that sought to keep us under control. We are the "acolytes". OK, so maybe I'm all wrong but based on what I have assumed, the critique I would make is that the beginning reference to the river threw me off and maybe different imagery might be used to connect to the rest of this piece. Please don't hesitate to tell me if I missed your meaning altogether.

Respectfully,

~ Marthalyn

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