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One Step At A Time

One step at a time
with each heartbeat of my life
learning to accept
the mortality of self
that humbles the man in me

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Posted with my sister's help. Hope you enjoy it. Can't do much with the pain.
Editing stage: 

Comments

A little gem brother. I like how you could express your feelings. So well said. I thought if you trimmed "of my life" it would not be limited to your case but be more universal. (IMO).
Take care.
Wish you a quick recovery.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I would have followed your suggestion and changed it to "of this life" but it won't click with the second line of the couplet. emmm any ideas?

Alid

author comment

I understand.
You can say "with each breath goes in and out"
unless you want to keep heartbeat" as it is almost the core of you message in this piece.
Just thoughts. I really do like what you did.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Nothing to offer that would enhance it
quite powerful
Well done
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

senryu? no, judy. this is called a tanka. Senryu don't have the couplets at the end. Thanks for the visit and comment.

Alid

author comment

Of course - it is tanka
I'm a little rusty :)
I had senryu in mind as your poem is about human foibles, and not a description of nature

whatever it is - it is a good write
love judy
xxx

Lol - I need to go back to the drawing board and refresh myself re terms
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

An excellent philosophical Tanka, you should save little gems like this in a special place..
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I'll keep that in mind, Ian. Thanks for the visit and the comment.

Alid

author comment

All that can be said about this wonderful poem has been said! :)

This is a great tanka - no crit from me 10 out of 10

Love Mand xxxx

thanks for the visit. Still recovering.The pain makes me cry but it can't stop me from writing. I refused to let it have a hold on me.

Alid

author comment

I feel both sorry for you and proud of you! It must be very hard to get comfortable - I hope the pain subsides soon! :(

You are brave and an inspiration. :) xx

Love Mand xxxx

I can only be the best that God makes me to be thru my family and my friends.

Alid

author comment

Others before me have already appreciated this Gem. I join them too. Let your thoughts keep gleaming so beautifully in your writes.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I'll do my best. Thank you very much.

Alid

author comment

so it wouldn't do to comment on the poem, but I wanted to express my dismay at how you're feeling. Get well.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for the visit nd the comment.

Alid

author comment
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