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One Pleasant July Day

It started with conversation
and coffee, of course, and kissing
before we drove a bit northward
to enjoy the day puttering
and the night in contemplation,
of admissions of love.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a Compliment style poem. It's a form I invented some years back and consists of a pacing of: 6-8-8-8-8-8-6 Where the title is meant to be part of the read and the whole thing is structured to simulate a breath. I refer to this as passion poetry and the goal is to capture a moment, a feeling, a pause and highlight it.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Short, simple and yet it produced a vivid imagery of the moment. Thanks for sharing.

Alid

Sounds like... someone might have had a little fun-filled episode on the weekend! Nice form! ~ Gee

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ans less clinical than most of your work.

Is something happening in your life?

I like it a lot, simple, elegant and effective. I may try a 'Pugilet' myself.

Not a word or syllable out of place, Im sorry I can offer no suggestions.

Except by my count, if it is syllables it is 8-8-8-8-8-6

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

A story in a strict format, as Jess asked has something happened to you lol.
He also forgot to include the title in his syllable count.
Your freedom of thought may be a love has been rekindled ???
We is being nosey again please forgive.
Loved the piece, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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