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One Bullet

The pain, it shoots me like a bullet,
Takes me to the ground
Makes me cry in oblivious shame,
But still it makes no sound
I know through all the loudest screams
Bravery is the thing I need
Shot's been fired, a downward spiral
And the fallen body's no good deed.

I drop to my knees in a silent cry
Try as I might, I cannot see
Nobody deserves to die,
But there they are in front of me
Hopelessly, they lie on the ground I sit, but do not shiver
Burning flames engulf the area And all the corpse's wither.

All it takes is the shot from one bullet
To end what one holds dear,
And the echoing sound, which throws one to the ground
Makes the end of life so clear,
There is no joy, no happiness
Only the unending grief
In which the kin cry, unaware
And the one who passed will weep.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

Firstly welcome to Neopoet.
A good write and quite vivid.
They say that most times you are unaware of being shot.
If it is fatal then the transition is fast,
Only those that linger for a while feel the pain, and you have caught the emotion well in this piece.
I look forward to your future writes and the thoughts of other poets,
Yours Ian T

Words can build a nation

that you have been welcomed in a proper fashion! I think your title is good and it brought me in, which what a title is supposed to do. your language is good. It could use a little smoothing out, but I think if you read it aloud, you will figure out where. This is not free verse, but rhyme. When we say rhyme, it does not have to be every line. It rhymes often enough to be called rhyme. I think that your theme is a good one and it shows that there is always someone who grieves for the victim. Good start here at Neo. Come to Chat on the Darkside Saturday night at 9pm EST. bring your dark and scary stuff. We want to see what you think is horrific and scary. See you there? ~ Geezer.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I'll see about it. Don't know if I can make it happen, but I'll try.

author comment

i really enjoyed reading this, the message is very clear. if you wanted to have your readers feel your pain id suggest taking the time to know how you really feel and express it in the most vulnerable way possible. great poem though, i have no negative feedback! awesome work.

from experienced and caring poets
Here is my reading, Where I stumble and get it wrong look at your own prosody, cadence, meter. I'm a very experienced reader.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/one-bullet-by-lonely-haku

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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