Neopoet

Sat, 2012-08-18 00:24

I tend to think your portry isd Buddist

butwithout extra personal pertinence.

i
amssume you are a bhuddist, but
i espect moree from your poety.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sat, 2012-08-18 02:16

lol jess

did you forget your glasses?

no, i don't believe i am buddhist
- rather 'judyist' i think - my own ideas formed from a mishmash of philosophies and my own personal experiences...

what do you find lacking in this poem's text? i would be interested

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sat, 2012-08-18 01:51

I don't know

There was a time where I know I gave great, personal and constructive feedback.

I amhaving difficulties now. I have noticed nastiness in my responses, without the pertinent insight.

I am really looking forward to you and Beau working together on your next Critique workshop.

I cab be a cunt, but I try to help. I suspect you will help me.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sat, 2012-08-18 02:13

and i understand you can't cope with crap stuff. that is one reason i value your critiques, and i don't take offense at anything you say… I wish to grow, and I will never do so if I am wimpish and defensive regarding my writes

I know they very often don’t say what I want to, or say things that others don’t agree with…

please continue to be honest with me
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sat, 2012-08-18 11:34

yes, I need time offline

That is why I have assembled this extraordinarily good workshop team. It's time for me to learn rather than dictate.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

loved

Sun, 2012-08-19 07:56

self realisation is at best..

self actualisation..

'''''I have noticed........ '''''''''''''''''''''''nastiness .......................'''''''''

in my responses,
without the (pertinent )
insight.

loved

Sat, 2012-08-18 03:41

Judy

I agree with Jess, this is just a facet, of a complete work, where is the rest??
I can smash a, mirror in the sunlight and the response is the same, but what happened before, and after, there seems to be so many empty spaces, surrounded by a grand poem..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sat, 2012-08-18 11:21

lol ian

i guess i totally failed in giving you any kind of text, let alone mine...

it is not a failure on either of us... just perhaps a major difference in our worldviews... or where we concentrate our spirituality…

btw I’m not sure that jess said it was incomplete did he?

thanks ian
love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sun, 2012-08-19 04:02

Judy

Jess didn't say it was incomplete that was me, I hurried my comment and missed out a "but I" in there.
I just wonder where our spirituality differs, You are here then you will be there the in between is the learning and the enhancing of the higher being.
If during our time here we can expand our ways into others spheres, then so be it, but we are individuals, and probably in a selfish sort of way we are here to enhance our Spirit and drive it to another level ????
Take care and it is lovely to walk with you, Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sun, 2012-08-19 12:28

no sorry ian

the fault of my hurried comment now
i didn't mean our sprirituality differs - i meant we concentrate on different aspects of it...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Mon, 2012-08-20 12:00

kelsey xxxxx

1. I used 'one' as ‘all being one – the singularity’, so 'it' won’t work… but that’s a great review of that very first word – thank you Kelsey. I’m tempted to change it, but I am intrigued by the first part of your analysis, that ‘for some readers, this will instil curiosity and they will continue reading’…. so if I can’t find another word to describe what I want, I won’t be too much bothered.

2.I liked ‘silent splinters’ for the alliteration of the ‘s’ to give a feeling of sharpness (I hoped lol). I also was attempting to convey the oxymoron of a silent explosion – something totally out of our understanding – which is what this happening is.

4. ‘whole fragments’ – trying to be repetitive with the next ‘holographic completeness’ (what one theory proposes the universe is – a hologram)

5. ‘holographic completeness’ – good point… I was thinking more with completeness as finished… any suggestion there for a word?

6. ‘so deed answered thought’ – yes that is a philosophical belief, owned by a few religious sects (when I say sects – I mean all religions, for that’s what they really all are – some bad for your health, some really bad for it, some not quite so bad for one’s growth if you get what I mean.. lol but I digress) – ‘what we think happens, and deed answered thought of the one (god) wishing to view him/herself, creating the universe’

A thought for discussion sometime perhaps. Is making it difficult for the reader to formulate a definite meaning for a poem such a bad thing?... just something I thought of with your comment... not disagreeing or agreeing mind...it just made me wonder ... it brought to mind all those poems from the masters that I deconstructed over my years at school and uni… i’m sure I found many subtexts that they probably didn’t even mean to convey…

and lol beau, I hope you don’t expect to get out of critiquing a poem in the workshop now after this fantastic one..;.you have certainly met all the criteria for the workshop critique – lol graduated before even taking a class

thank you very much, your thoughts greatly appreciated
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

loved

Sun, 2012-08-19 08:03

a poem can cause such reverberations of thoughts

I could never imagine
the analyses I’ve scanned ,
to me at first glance
it appeared as if it was life's kaleidoscope...

loved

Mon, 2012-08-20 00:51

loved

the holographic kaleidoscope of one - (smile) i like that

thank you for your comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

loved

Mon, 2012-08-20 00:59

grateful

gracious

loved

scribbler

Sun, 2012-08-19 09:38

Hi

Unusual take on the big bang melding with Gia earth and other planets. "whole fragments" is a bit of oxymoron (at least to this moron). And maybe "adding to the manifestof" might be more accurate. Also you used form punctuation earlier and maybe it could be used at the end :
every heart holds
a separate
world...................................just a few thoughts........................stan

Mon, 2012-08-20 01:07

hi scribbles

as for the big bang - yes well that is the subject i suppose - but the theme is us...

lol as for 'manifest' - i get told off all the time for using the word as a noun - but i like the way it sounds better than ‘manifestof’ – lol I don’t even think that’s a word stan.
and i don't understand why you want to say 'adding to' - it's not what i mean i don't think

as for form- i want the lines read as they are, if i change the form it will not give the emphasis of the words i need

thanks so much for your thoughts and comments

I’ll be editing this when I get the time, due to all the great feedback I’ve received here, thanks to everyone

speaking of feedback - who’s going to come play in my first workshop with me? – constructive critiques starting next weekend… would love to see you all there

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2012-08-20 08:16

Hi

WHAT? Not going to use every one of my ideas!?! LOL I'm surprised whenever even 1 idea is of help to anybody. And of course manifest is a noun. It's a list of cargo as in a ship's manifest. Oh well, maybe next time................stan

Mon, 2012-08-20 11:28

lol

i never said i wasn't going to use any of your ideas... still thinking on them. i was just explaining to you why i did it the way i did. if you like you can tell me how you think i may have missed the mark...

are you going to join us in the critique workshop?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2012-08-20 16:58

Hi

I thought for sure you would realize I was just yanking your chain about using (or not) my ideas lol. And I am tending toward joining the shop. Want to look over syllabus once more. I'll let you know later today..........stan

Mon, 2012-08-20 10:36

Hey Feather Duster

Look you believe what you want, how the hell could there ever be a
"Big Bang, No one would have heard it as there is no noise in space.
It may have been all that Be gating they had in the old days, they lived for hundreds of years can you believe the number of begat's in that.
Take care out there I hope someone is looking after you all,
Yours Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Mon, 2012-08-20 10:58

who you callin' feather duster you?

there was no space before the big bang - so that's how much you know what you're talking about...
(smiles)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Mon, 2012-08-20 13:58

Judy

Feather duster is Ephraim...lol

Was that where God was, in nothing, not even a space for him/her?
God said, well who was he talking to, are we made by someone that talks to themselves.
Later I am so glad to see that he made man in "their/our image so I just wonder who he was talking to at that first instant.
It's quite hard there was nothing, and then someone talking to someone without sound.
Ah! I get it, it was think talk, as that will cover all the errors.
It is great to see and hear mere mortals, talk of their God and how he made things, then I think that it has always been there, just an eternity too big for man to consider, then on to the next one, and the next one, you see it is too big for us, who live but a short while, like a candle flickering in the scheme of things, how many times must we flicker before we reach that perfection..
Have a lovely life, and know that you are unique in the scheme of things and a pure Spirit on a beautiful journey,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Mon, 2012-08-20 14:20

well ian

one story goes that god is outside space and time
- our space and time
like 'through a glass darkly'...

another - that everything, including us and things outside of us that we don't even know exist are holographic images of god - spintered in order that each part of he/she can be examined and experienced

another story goes ... lol they go on forever - i love them all in their own way...

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Mon, 2012-08-20 11:29

world - word -

thinking...
thanks eph
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sat, 2012-08-25 03:01

Judy

Just thought that if there was no space before God then where the hell did he/she put everything??? lol
And you said he was outside of that space, then I think that I would have rather been in his/her outside..
Take care have a lovely evening out there, Yours Ian..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sat, 2012-08-25 03:15

lol ian

i never said nothing

(((smiles)))

someone else i was quoting says god was outside our timespace – the keyword here being our xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sat, 2012-08-25 04:35

Judy

You must take that word WHOLE out of this piece it is redundant, I know that it means it is whole in its own right but as a fragment it confuses.
lol, I am going to walk in the sun light so withdraw those prismatic bits I have enough trouble with all the Crystals hanging around the windows lol,
Have a lovely peaceful night, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sun, 2012-08-26 04:30

Crud, while I come to like you and respect you

You can be fucking stupid,

Read books. Don't glorify your ignorance.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sat, 2012-08-25 05:40

Faith is ignorance

facts are facts.
Peer review hypotheses come very close to facts.

Read some scientific cosmology, ephraim and Ian. You will learn something, if your pig image and your spiritual bullshit don't blind you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sat, 2012-08-25 10:07

Jess

The Children and the Teachers I have spoken to, which is all recorded,
allow me to have some view of what is what, on the Spiritual side.
As to the bones of the Cosmos and beyond they are a physical fact and have rules to abide by, if only we could find the rule book or were intelligent enough to work it out.
Probably someone some place, has spent all his/her life working on this thing and dies just before the thing is proved.
Damn is there a solution to the physical side of all things.
Could be a bloody great Pig Pen to make Eph feel at home, or a great Toadstool to make you happy, but in the blackness that you say follows us in the end time, who will think to take a light..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sun, 2012-08-26 01:51

Science is peer reviwed

Faith, dogma and belief are just dumb stupid.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry