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As One
Back then when everything was in one place
not spread out through this great expanse of time-space
I wrote upon a star my history
then placed it in your eyes, to keep for me
Existing in that grey - a million stars
and when you smiled they all became quasars
illuminating deepest depths of soul
and my sun was the brightest of them all
From one creative source all ashes came
a multitude of difference from the same
devolving simpler rhythms, simpler rhymes
to form a long goodbye from shorter times
The universe’s cold eternal clock
its pendulum a cure, each tick to tock
became my damaged centre’s closest friend
by sewing stitches there, designed to mend
Although it’s done (I can't erase, unlace
the past emotions frozen in their place)
through gifts of single threads in time and space
in age's realm I’ve seen my saving grace
And though I now exist in darkened days
because the radiance has gone away
it's written in my star we'll meet, my son
when eras end, and all is back as one
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2012-05-06 10:01
hi "J"
With shop winding down I now have more time to aggravate you lol.
This kinda started a bit awkwardly in my opinion. So I tried a partial rewrite that maybe you can find at least one good idea from :
Back when All was in one place
not yet spread throughout this time-space
upon a star I wrote my history
and placed it in your eyes to keep for me
Within the black-a million stars
which when you smiled became quazars
illuminating darkest depths of soul
my sun the brightest in that role
next 2 stanzas no suggestions
S-5,L-1 try swapping places with erase and unlace
Final stanza impeccable.....................stan
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-06 10:10
thanks so much stan
great suggestions
but they mess with the iambic
and swapping places with erase and unlace messes with the rhyme
- and the 'grey' is the eye colour :) so 'black' doesn't fit
I appreciate your read and thoughts, and i will look at it again with the thought you found it awkward
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2012-05-06 11:13
Hmmm......
erase.....place....they rhyme to me but it might be a dialect thing...............stan
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-06 11:21
i pronounce
erase as eraze....
so it probably is a dialect/ accent thing
thanks stan
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2012-05-08 12:52
thanks lonnie
for the very kind comments
but as this is supposed to be iambic pentameter, i wonder if you wouldn't mind telling me where you found it rough?
- i've re-read and find these two lines
'Existing in that grey - a million stars
'and my sun was the brightest of them all'
may be off a fraction, but i think i should be able to get away with them as the emphasis still works in my mind...
'e - XIST -ing IN that GREY - a MILL - ion STARS
'and MY sun WAS the BRIGHT - est OF them ALL'
- i would be interested in your thoughts
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentLinda Moses
Sun, 2012-05-06 20:25
Judy
this is a beautiful tribute, and I could not suggest you change a thing. It is like a personal letter written by you to your son, who was and is your sun in your universe.
all mail sent to Heaven is received.
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
judyanne
Mon, 2012-05-07 10:58
thank you very much linda
for the lovely and kind comment
but if you found a fault i wouldn't be hurt
it is only poetry - and i am here to improve it where i can
xx
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentCloudthings
Sun, 2012-05-06 22:13
Beautiful
Wow Judy, the first stanza was so powerfully evocative I actually almost teared up right there!... then came the rest... This is beautiful, & I look up & can read Linda's comment here & can only second her view. I'm not a religious person, unless you call Buddhism religion, but I love the spiritual element & the depth of heart felt loss & healing, so brilliantly expressed.
I have missed reading you (with all the workshop distraction) even in my short acquaintance.
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
judyanne
Mon, 2012-05-07 10:59
thank you anni
for the very kind review and supportive comments
hugs
judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentNordic cloud
Mon, 2012-05-07 16:30
Oh this, this each word
Oh this, this each word riding on a tear,
each thought so well formed sustained on a star,
a galaxy,
and one you loved
his breath we hear
as you write this poem echoes come
and we too grieve your son.
Your fire, you sun,
will carry on in true Australian tradition.
'Enjoyed' this judyanne, you put your soul into it.
annanya
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Tue, 2012-05-08 12:54
dear annanya
thank you so very much for the lovely comment
given with such beautiful poetry
love to you
judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-05-08 03:53
I noticed a remark you made somewhere recently
about not receiving much critique, so I decided to do a little retrospective. I only got to the first of May! And there is the first reason, you are posting so prolifically! That is not the only reason though. Your works are structurally and thematically complex and need deep reading for appreciation and response. That's the main reason. So it's a good thing. Beau's Feedback workshop should help others respond to your work.
Thematically I group this with 'The Centre', 'Stardust Harmonies' and 'Between Dimensions' because I love cosmological allegory/metaphors.
This one is my least favourite of them. All the elements are there but somehow it fails to engage me and excite my poetic sensibilities. I have no idea why. Maybe I've just read too much poetry today. Sometimes it's just je ne sais quoi and shut myself up.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-13 01:44
hi jess
i missed this one
thanks so very much for the feedback and comments
lol - i am now trying to not be so prolific
-probably my fault neo collapsed? ((( grins )))
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-08-17 23:47
sorry all
to bring this to the top of the stream again - i needed desperately to change the title so i could use it (the title) for my new write xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentNordic cloud
Sun, 2012-08-26 16:37
carry one to the end of time.
Oh this is full of words that flow into the soul,
confound the mind into believing it is on
a ship bound with eternal words,
that mesmerise and carry one to the end of time.
annanya.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-27 01:27
thank you annanya
so lovely to see you, it has been a while
love judyanne
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
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