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AS ONCE WAS

A little branch just running free
through a lowland hardwood hollow
is all I ever thought to be
unaware of what would follow
all of it in nature's way

But then one day the beavers came
from a slightly larger creek downstream
since then things are not the same
my wild free days became a dream
fate took me, now, another way

For soon the beavers built a pond
my wandering days were over
but by suprise I soon grew fond
of watching the blue cranes fly over
on their way to who could say?

As time passed the pond just grew
until it spanned from ridge to ridge
the beavers' building then was through
'cause water backed up to the bridge
where my bed turns to blue clay

In place of beavers then came weeds
at first around the shallow shore
thin water where the wild fish breeds
which feeds on bugs, minnows and more
at the start and end of day

And time went on and time went on
'till open water became rare
moss near thick enough to walk upon
eutrophication did its share
where both cattails and willows sway

After time the only water
was bound up in the marshy ground
where bullfrogs would burp and barter
with all of the tree frogs around
every night 'till break of day

The decades came and then went by
'till a hard storm cut a new creek bed
allowing, then, the marsh to dry
peat moss becoming soil instead
and poplars came again to sway

Poplars were joined by birch and oak
like long ago I'm running free
and just the rare bullfrogs now croak
I am now as I used to be
all of this in nature's way

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

of a picture of time - well done with the theme
i enjoyed the rhyme scheme(s)
not so much the rhythm
the length of the write screams for a better rhythm to keep the reader interested and along on the ride. i really lost patience and struggled to finish, only did so cos i liked the theme

needs work, but i love it
hugs
judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I've not been playing with this pattern too long where the last lines rhyme throughout. So I assume it's the last line in each stanza that's a bit trippy. But in any event thanks for wading determinedly through this.......stan

author comment

the last line in each stanza is not the 'trip'
example
'But then one day the beavers came
from a slightly larger creek downstream' (if you lost 'slightly' the meter would improve)
- and this happens a few time throughout the write...

xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for clarification. Sometimes my dull brain sets my ears to hear in that cursed "poetic voice" and trips me up. I'm going to return to this but I'll let it set a few more days so I can review it with fresh ears............stan

author comment

with an E P I C ....U R I A L
you also know
that my eyes are not stable
but your poem does me enable..
great work 'twiz

loved

Not too sure this qualifies as an epic but it Is a bit longish. Was beginning to think it wasn't going to be read by anyone so I was a bit suprised to get a coupla hits after all this time lol. Thanks for the visit.....stan

author comment

nothing will ever,
me displease

loved

Actually more rare for me to write something under 70 words than over. Guess I beat around the bush too much lol........stan

author comment

always beating something

this time may be bush
with a small b

loved

I enjoyed this poem a lot. The detached description of the events and the eventual full circle. Very nice and pastoral.

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I've been accused of being pastoral before lol. I try to write what I know or see and a lot of my stuff results from direct observations. Thanks for coming by and taking time to read.............stan

author comment

Another grand write as usual, this could equate with the demise of man, if he were to leave this beautiful Planet.
It would evolve into a wonderful mixture of nature, then as always there would end up being a superior being of some sort to rampage around being destructive.
Yet to read and walk with you it is always a pleasure, to see those beautiful niches that others just drive by, allowing us to stop and rest there with your eyes..
Can you imagine how many others would be able to write about the beauty of things, if only they stopped to see, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I have been involved in design and construction most of my life and have hunted and fished since a young age. All of which leads to paying attention to details. Drives me crazy sometimes lol. Every time I see something , I'm soon dissecting its parts and often then lose the overall view. Glad you came along on this time journey.........stan

author comment

You show a lot of people many things in your writing and the views are lovely.
That you did so much with landscapes and nature brings a knowledge that many drive by.
All I would say about your writing is that your teacher should have held you in that pause between casting and catching, where there is an eternity of peace, if you know what I mean, Yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I often forget there are those who live in cities their entire lives or in regions which lack the varied beauty of the Blue Ridge foothills. I'm always happy when I can shre with ya'll................stan

author comment
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