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The Old Sweater

Submitted by IRiz on Thu, 2018-06-14 19:25

The morning was unapproachable,
gloomy, not promising much,
not letting the world wake up.

You'd spilled both of our coffees.
I worried you burned yourself.

But you said,
you only lost your body map
and joked something about that
asking for help.

I took downstairs
coffee soaked bedding.
You went on a conference call.

I closed the windows
not to hear the hungry cries
of newborn foxes.

You made one more round of coffee.
I wanted to say you looked pale
but you were on the call.

I paced back and forth
between the walls,
I was cold and restless.

I found an old sweater
I used to wear at the shore, put it on
and started to feel better.

The rough touch of heavy cotton
reminded me of evening wind,
the brightly lit boardwalk,

and ocean
tossing and turning in the dark
a giant insomniac
trying to fall asleep

next to the shrieking seagulls
and shuffling crowds
swinging sun-burned legs
on bar stools and benches,

flying salt, confetti, sand,
sweet crumbs of funnel cakes and

wives looking new to their husbands
eyes greener, smiles wilder.

I finished my coffee, then rain started.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

gregwa8

Thu, 2018-06-14 23:17

gregwa8's picture

this is like an episode from a good show on Netflix, character development and all. well done!

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-15 00:52

IRiz's picture
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Thank you for watching :)

IRiz

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raj

Fri, 2018-06-15 05:39

to add to what Greg has already said to me some lines also raised questions before perceiving underlying answers..for example

You spilled both of our coffees. ...Q Why?

and joked something about that asking for help. ..Q hmmmm Help?

wives looking new to their husbands eyes greener, smiles wilder. Q Wilder [not wider]? certainly not a spello

I liked the way the switch from present to a reminiscent past after wearing the old sweater....and also the conversational tonality

the poem certainly has a mysterious blend to the coffee
.......................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-16 09:19

IRiz's picture
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Hi Raj,
Here are my answers,
Imagine the morning when people can't wake up fully, they walk half a sleep, stumble upon things and spill drinks.
Body map is a term that means awareness of your body, limbs and fingures and when it is lost one can regain it by touching and small movements.
Your last question is about the eyes and smiles of the women on the shore, eyes are greener and smiles are wilder because they absorbed the free spirit ocean. Thank you for your interest and time reading and commenting.

Eyes are greener and wilder because

IRiz

author comment

raj

Sat, 2018-06-16 14:26

Thanks for answering all queries.
.........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

brittle light

Fri, 2018-06-15 17:23

brittle light's picture

relationships and gloomy days
might as well write 'em

an accessible writing style, poignant observations and images
I like it

a few English glitches, unless they are intentional twists for your purposes

"I found an old sweater
I used to wear (at) the shore, put it on"

"the rough touch of heavy cotton
reminded me (of) the evening wind"

all in all, I like this melancholic morning mood piece a lot

Al

IRiz

Sun, 2018-06-17 17:32

IRiz's picture
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Dear Al,
Thank you for reading and suggesting corrections. I will change the text accordingly.
I am still learning English and your help is invaluable! It is rare combination, an eye for errors and willingness to share the knowledge.
Thank you again.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-15 18:16

lovedly's picture

nice humorous narration

When was in scholl years ago my school girl captain a very smart and sweet gals was she
said hello u
come see
here
i c ur more
HOLY than Righteous

I learned two words
HOLEY
and
RIGHT YES

i was very poor
and
wore a green sweater
with only holes

That's how my old sweater story goes
You said on such incidents
i must poetry compose

here is my first silly dose
she
The gal
was a ROSE...

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-16 09:28

IRiz's picture
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Nice take on the subject.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Sat, 2018-06-16 11:08

lovedly's picture

Irene and thanx

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-16 12:03

IRiz's picture
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The pleasure is mine

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Sat, 2018-06-16 12:08

lovedly's picture

read my silliest humour u will like it

scribbler

Fri, 2018-06-15 19:14

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This poem is a great reminder of how powerful something tactile can be in bringing back old memories.
A few things you might smoke over :
first stanza 3rd line. delete "to"
second stanza line 2. change You to you'd
stanza 10 line 3. now this line bothers me because it leaves open the question of whether it was you or the ocean which suffered from insomnia.
Well that's all lol. I liked the read and now I'll look up an oldie of mine about and old coat and see how it might be improved.....stan

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-16 09:34

IRiz's picture
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Hi Stan,
Thank you for finding the errors.
I will incorporate them into the next edit.
The last question on stanza ten,
I think because there is no comas, it is clear that the giant insomniac refers to ocean who is tossing and turning in the dark next to the brightly lit boardwalk. I like the image and wonder if I indeed somehow messed up punctuation. Please, advise.
Thank you for keeping an eye on my writes. Looking forward to further exchanges.

IRiz

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2018-06-16 15:12

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I know a lot of writers think the fewer words the better (not me, I just ramble on and on lol) but in the tenth stanza I think just adding "a" in front of giant insomniac would clear up any ambiguity

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-16 16:40

IRiz's picture
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Thank you, your help is greatly appreciated!!!

IRiz

author comment
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