Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
OLD MAN IN CAMP
There he sits in hunting camp
in the background in a folding chair
while younger men stand all around.
His attention wanders off elsewhere
They all talk of this day's stalk
whether turkey,deer or hurtling duck.
He sits with hardly one spare word
thinking about his former luck.
'Cause in his mind he's far away
gone back to his younger days
watching squirrels as they'd play
stealing down a game trail's maze.
Legs and heart and sight all strong,
all his loved ones still around,
a five mile trek was not too long,
always searching out new ground.
Ere time's bumps caught up with him,
shrank his stride as well as range
adding girth to one once slim,
turned his gait halting and strange
'Till now he barely leaves the fire
content to hear the others talk,
still filled a with wanderlust's desire
though infirm body makes him balk.
He answers questions now and then,
sips coffee once in a great while
making youngsters wonder when
occasionally they see him smile.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Thu, 2012-01-05 07:49
hi Mark
I am glad to have brought back a pleasant memory. And you are right...sometimes when I review a post I read what I meant instead of what's there, thanks for the spot...........stan
author commentNordic cloud
Thu, 2012-01-05 08:03
contrast of contemplation
"Before time and bumps caught up with him," Stumbled at this lines length. -caught him up- but then the rhyme would be lost!
Oh this is out in the wilds where things dramatic take place, I like the contrast of contemplation you make here Stan. The swing of it all undulates with the hills and dales where the deer, or animals are to be found and the contrast too of the young and the old is full of charm, we feel as if we are the old man.
I too wandered in my attention, but in school where I was supposed to concentrate!!! The squirrels outside the window were much more interesting to me.
Slightly I find this verse uncomfortable:-
'Till now he barely leaves the fire
content to hear of others' stalks,
but still filled with wanderer's desire
though his body makes him balk
Title okay too.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-01-05 12:53
hi Ann
Not real pleased with line 3 of that stanza either. Will let it simmer a bit then come back with an alternative........stan
author comment