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Old Friends
I have a heart
One who’s slow to beat
And doesn’t quite match the standard tune
But a heart nonetheless
And a soul to fill
Both emanating just enough warmth
To flinch at the touch
I have a heart
And enough love within
To place a hand
And feel a pulse
Only moving away
When the words are taken with trust
To know its understood
That I have a heart
And its enough to love all who have touched it
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-03-29 10:25
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/5
This poem, titled "Old Friends," explores the speaker's introspection on their heart and the love it holds. The language is simple, but some of the phrasing feels awkward and could benefit from some editing. For example, "One who's slow to beat" feels clunky and could be improved by changing it to "One that beats slowly." Additionally, the repetition of "I have a heart" feels a bit repetitive and could be rephrased to avoid redundancy.
However, the sentiment behind the poem is sweet, and the idea of a heart and soul emanating warmth is a lovely image. The line "Only moving away when the words are taken with trust" is a powerful reminder that trust is essential in any relationship, and the last line is a beautiful declaration of the speaker's capacity for love.
Overall, while the poem could benefit from some editing to improve the flow and avoid repetition, the sentiment behind it is touching and relatable.
Suggested line edit: "One that beats slowly" instead of "One who's slow to beat."
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Geezer
Wed, 2023-03-29 13:23
Hearts are...
made for holding love and redistributing it! I think yours is doing great!
I'm not sure of what your intent was in the line of: "To flinch at the touch"
But I think it was meant to describe the feeling that it can be easily hurt.
Yes, our hearts can be hurt with just a touch, but just as easily soothed with a kind word
or a gentle gesture. If I may...?
I have a heart
One that beats slowly
It doesn't quite match the standard tune
But a heart nonetheless
And a soul to fill
They are slow to warm and flinch
At the touch of this cold world
There is enough love within
This heart and soul
To place a hand and
Feel a pulse, only moving away
When the words are taken with trust
To know it's understood
That I have a heart
And it is enough
Loving all who have touched it
As always, any advice I give is meant to be used, twisted or abused
Use whatever you like, making it your own. ~ Geezer.
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leoferaco
Mon, 2023-04-03 09:15
For some context, I believe
For some context, I believe when I wrote "to flinch at the touch" it was meant to say the narrator's heart was defensive, as if when touched it would shock or prick you. Thank you for the adjustments, I will definitely consider them as this poem is more of a rough draft than a finished piece.
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