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Oh Those Babies! (A Villanelle)

Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes
evoke inside me the loveliest thought;
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
 
Esoteric feelings that nobody knows
but moms; a secret love as they first spot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
 
As soft skin scents naturally arose,
to speak of volumes that heroes got not
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
 
No piece of poetry, not even prose
has told in words- nor even a snapshot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
 
Not only the toes, but also the nose
(inherited by forerunners, not taught),
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
 
In my memory, pussiant are those
babies, despite their weakness, they have caught
me with ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes
and unfurl a heart like a budding rose.

 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I've seen the ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes five times in my life (My four sons and the alone princess. Thank God Thank you dear Blistered-pen (JRS). Your villanelle inspired this very first attempt. (I know that I said I wrote one but discovered later that I didn't. :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

nice one Rula
.............................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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author comment

dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

now I also know, what is three lines poetry... as this repetition at proper places
keep counting
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.

but factually fingers are 8 only
anyway thumbs up Rula

Lovedly!
8 fingers?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

two thumbs no!

Thank you!!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I notice that your Villanelle as also some others are having a soft feel...is it a norm that Villanelle should be soft?
.............................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I haven't read many of them to tell the truth, but I think the form would work as well with any theme. Not to mention theheroic themes ones.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Mmmmmm.. I don't like it either (the painting shot)
Do you think camera's shot would work better.
I am so limited with the rhyming words, but it's my problem.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Snapshot?
.....................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you! I used it with much appreciation, however I am
still not happy with some areas where I feel the rhyme is forced , but as a first attempt and so limited rhymes I think this one isn't bad.
Thank you dear raj!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

to make a suggestion....though rhyme is not my comfort zone can you say which of the word seems to you to be a forced rhyme?
............................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

not happy with the 5th stanza. May be it's just me?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

if I come up with some alternative I will suggest....in fact i am tempted to have a go at Villanelle and wondering if every line has to be either of 8 or 10 syllables or a combination of 8 and 10 syllable lines still conforms to the form...i realize that it's pretty tough since there is also a need to maintain aba rhyme sequence through and through....
...........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

8 or 10 through out.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Thanks for this input Rula
........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

would this change work?

have a history that hasn't been taught,
follow history though not even taught, [or]
follow lineage that hasn't been taught [or]
inherited by offspring that isn't taught [or]
inherited by offspring never taught
.................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Photo_shot works perfectly. But does it make sense as you read the stanza in full?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I shall edit as suggested.
Much appreciate your help!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

is the alternative a bit smoother?

but moms; a secret love as they first spot
for moms; a secret love, their maiden spot
.....................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I believe the third line could be shortened for aesthetic appeal

they have unfurled a heart that's almost close.
they've unfurled a heart that's pretty close [or]
they unfurl a heart like a buddy rose [or]
they unfurl my heart like a buddy rose [since you've used "me" in second line]
................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

the suggestions. Much appreciate it.
Thank you so much.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Much better I think after the edits. Please let me know if it reads better as I implemented what you've suggested.
Anyway, appreciate your help a bunch!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

certainly reads better....in L2S3 did you mean heroes? if so you have missed an e in it...
..............................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

for the hawk eye. :)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Should it be O or Oh in the title?...I am many a times confused with when it should be O and Oh..both being exclamations..
........................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I didn't know if there is a difference
Here is what I found.... Interesting
http://grammarist.com/usage/o-oh/

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

thanks for providing the link...makes me wiser...
...........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

you Mark. Budding is the write word here.
Edited.
Highly appreciated!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Very beautiful poem that, like you said, only mothers can truly get. "Soft skin scents shall naturally arose" should probably be "soft skin scents naturally arose" as it would be grammatically correct to say "shall arise" and not "shall arose" since arose is in past tense and shall is in future tense. Just something I caught.

thank you for the heads up.
Appreciate your time. Happy to know that you like it greg.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment
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