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The Offering

Must I coat your heart
with the shine of fake gold?
Lies cannot defy truth,
so I have been told.

Be done with your deceit,
discard the mask you wear.
It has addled your wits,
hiding what is really there.

You have clipped your wings,
fearing to ride the wind.
Yet in your soul, freedom sings,
shattering the cage within.

Erase the doubts that bullies your mind
The past have been haunting your present.
Take my hand, in me you'll find
the strength to banish your dark resentments.

Life is only a candlemark,
time is the cycle of moments.
Waste not the few that remain,
let me help you slay your demons.

Believe in me
and I'll offer you the sky.
We'll fly like the angels
until the day we die...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I liked this....

a few suggestions if I may:-

Lies cannot define[defy] truth,

You have clipped your wings
[You have clipped wings]

Waste not the few that remains[remain],

I haven't understood meaning of the word 'addled' in S2L3

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

"addled" in this poem means "confused". The person has been hiding his real self until he becomes confused, unable to dfferentiate which is true and which is a lie.

You have clipped your wings
[You have clipped wings]
as for this suggestion, I'm not sure if it goes with the next line so I leave it be.

Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.

Alid

author comment

Thanks for the clarification ...i had never come across the word addled before..

As for the rest i had only made suggestions...you surely know what is best and right..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

and the last line bundles it up neatly!
great rhyming!

Thank U!

and thank you for the visit, the read and the comment

Alid

author comment

This is a generous offering brother that I find hard for any not to take. Forgiving and giving a hand to the other is one of the hardest, I believe.
Thanks for spreading the good word.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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You're welcome, sister.

Alid

author comment
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