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Ode to the Guard

I am a cloud of probabilities,

the infinite number of versions of self.

There are moments of presence

when I know all of them collapse in one.

It could be pleasant but most of the time

precisely knowing who I am hurts.

I send the thought to the back of my mind

and continue my blissful absent-minded

gliding over the hills of time.

 

Yes, time could be hilly and wrinkly

and it stretches sometimes like a lazy cat.

Time is my favorite dimension

because it never goes back

and makes my life much simpler.

What has been done is done.

What has been said is said.

I cannot change what is sealed

by its weightless touch.

 

I know she is the most honest guard

and yet I try to bribe her every Birthday.

She doesn’t accept my presents.

My searching glances are denied

and aromatic candles  grow shorter.

And yet I love the fact that I am mortal.

The clinking memories will fade.

I will be gone

and maybe given an another body

to make mistakes I haven’t done.

 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

First about your choice of the physical form of your poem about centering each line. What i could figure out about it is that the base is like a candle holder which holds the candle with a limited dimension [life span/time]

The protagonist first makes a self appraisal in the first stanza..the second is about realization that "what has been has been] the third is about awareness of days being numbered and having no regrets about it or for the mistakes committed being human concluding with speculation about after life and if it happens you would like nothing to change...

I am at a loss to choose a favorite line or two since there are so many but if i have to choose just one stanza it is the central one....not only because it provides girth to the form but because it communicates lot more than just the words

i realize that even in poetry figure and form add to its beauty...

certainly a pleasure to the eyes and mind...
...........................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hi Raj,
Thank you for your detailed review of the poem.
Yes, I recently started to pay more attention to the way poem looks. Often people do not hear but see the text, so some symmetry adds up to the flow.
Also I noticed that very short lines atract attention and sometimes could have an extra message.

IRiz

author comment

what a lovely metaphor
coincidentally
I just composed a poem on time ...posted it in a more popular site of mine
where many share their views sublime
here i am just like
a stone of lime
well that's all it is
for the time

Thank you for your comment.

IRiz

author comment

nicely done
I see nothing that slowed down the ride
Interesting format, but, why not!

I would only suggest: " to make mistakes I haven't (YET) done"

as smooth as usual

I like it

Al

Hi Al,
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your suggestion.
I think it might disrupt the flow though.

IRiz

author comment

something did't seem right about the last line
I see it now,
the word "done"
the word fade is right there above
so, I think "to make mistakes I haven't made"

I don't always like it when others try to correct something that I think is fine,
I imagine others feel the same way too.

so, always do your own thing

I

Al

I agree there is something wrong, now I see it.
Let me sleep on it :):):)

IRiz

author comment

Strange,
but the beginning of your poem made me think of physics. The first sentence made me think of the electron cloud. And the second made me think of the wave function collapse in quantum physics.

I must say i enjoyed your ode to time, it really got me thinking about time. You love the fact you are mortal, but seem to find "I will be gone" too final, so envision being mortal again.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Hi Tyro!
Indeed the poem is an attempt to apply the modern physics to solve existential conundrum.
You make the endless possibilities of your existence to collapse at the moment of self-observation. If not for observation you would not even know where is your mind, correct?

IRiz

author comment

" If not for observation you would not even know where is your mind, correct?"

"I am aware, therefor I am."

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Yes, that kind of thought. Thank you for stopping by, your reading and commenting.

IRiz

author comment

A very good write though it seemed you became lost in that outer self which is sometimes in turmoil.
There in a flickering of an eye, an opening into your inner self will allow you to see more clearly, a form that has the vibrations of the universes eternity.
You need a perfect mirror to see that depth of you, most times it is a place even the owner cannot see or feel.
There is a sense of loss in your write, maybe you have ben listening to others as they play games of the mind.
Take care as I have said the pathway has obstacles on, find out what they are and in doing so they will be no more.
You live in a finite line of now, you can see behind but not in-front, always do the things you are happy with in both mind and body, dwell in the faith of others, that hold you in their palm.
Yours as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Hello, Ian.
I think you added a deeper meaning to the poemand made me happy. Thank you for your kind words. I was kayaking all day today, and enjoyed a blissful emptiness of mind under the pouring rain. It was a refreshing experience.
Have a good week ahead.

IRiz

author comment

I like your poetry, this one is
so classy I feel I should have
a fine wine to sip during the
read ... thanks.

Hello, Themoonman! This poem was asking to be written for the last few months. It is beautiful what modern physics can do to explain fundamental constituents of our existence.
Now I move into the past. No more physics for now. I am reading Enheduanna, the first known writer on Earth, high Priestess of Ur.
She left 45,000 lines of poetry about four thousand years ago. The main subject being the paradoxical goddess Inanna, there are also personal thoughts and feelings. It is very inspiring.

IRiz

author comment

It was interesting to read perceptions of others and your comments on the same...it feels like people stopping in an art gallery and trying to make sense of an abstract painting and the artist [you] is smiling somewhere in the crowd watching them and trying to read into their expressions...
...........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,
here is a fine seed for a poem in your last comment!

IRiz

author comment

good to read your response and to know that my comment has a seed of a poem....please feel free to make it into a poem as and when you feel like it...

......................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

It is yours.

IRiz

author comment

IRiz you have teased my mind ..hope I am able to do justice to that muse and start to work on it...
........................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Good!!!

IRiz

author comment

love the fresh form and presentation. It's good you can step out of the box like that.
The poem is clear enough. The only line that stumbled me was

precisely knowing who I am hurts

As you state you know who you are- an infinite number of selves. Why does knowing that "hurt"?
I think the poem is more about the acceptance of our multiple selves, and if lady time doesn't like it, that's just too bad.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Hello, Mark.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
It is a pleasure to answer your question.
I wrote in the poem that I am a cloud of probabilities that when they collapse in one in the moment of self-observation the resulting version of self often dissapoints me, because I realize that in these given state and moment in time I am far from perfect and because I missed all the other probabilities being different and better.

IRiz

author comment

That there are many probability tracts in front of you and they collapse into one as you look inward is correct as when you look inward at who you are there is only the fleeting moment repeated of Now, never be sad at being able to see this if you tarry there you will learn so much of yourself and maybe the need to look outward and what is asked of you.
Take care young Lady and know we are but a thought away, Yours Ian, and the Children .. x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Hello, Ian!
How are you?
Thank you for your kind and wise letter.
Yes, just a thought away.

IRiz

author comment

I is fine but getting older by the day, my probability tracts are shrinking to a few delicate threads but that is life..
We will have to call you the cabbage patch girl lol but I guess not just being me, Take care and know that we are but a thought away from the universe of the Now and Past so just enjoy. Todays thought Do snow boarders only have one tract as apposed to skiers they have two lol x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Good evening Ian,
Nice to hear from you!
Yes snowboarders have one tract and sometimes none at all when they jump and fly across the plains.
Have a nice evening.

IRiz

author comment

when a cop pulls them over.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
Cop [suspicious}: Open the trunk.
[looks]
Hey! You know you've got a dead cat in here?
Schrodinger: I do now.

Yes it can be painful when the inifinite possibilities collapse into a single here, now, me I.
It can also be a singularity, an event horizon.

Love the poem. Nothing to add but
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
I do not like verse in the center
It really riles this old mentor
I am an adamant dissenter.

I will not read poems in the middle
they all smell like old cat's piddle
it is just visual tarradiddle.
 

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

hahahaha,
i like your eccentric-discentric attitude
thanks for the anecdote
Cheers

IRiz

author comment
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