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A Nurses Privilege (exercise 3 - changing serious to comic - humour in poetry workshop)

original

I sit with him because he has no family
No-one should ever have to die alone
I hold his hand, perhaps to comfort me
He searches for his own direction Home

Both wife and children left this world before him
He stayed around for years with loved ones gone
and felt the bars of livings’ harsher prison
in what to him, each day, seemed like an aeon

I met him in his later winter years
He was a kindly, still yet spritely soul
We talked for hours and mixed our laughter, tears
as we became fast friends, as if of old

But now, we’re past all speech and conversation
While here we quietly wait for twilight's dark
I sit in, proxy, as his loved relation
keep watch, while brilliance slowly fades to spark

------------------------------------------------------------------

Change

I sit with him because he has no teeth.
No-one should ever have to eat alone
that mushed up slop, that cooks to gums bequeath.
He searches for a single lump or bone.

Both sets of molars left this world before him.
He’s hung around for years with fangs long gone
and feels the pains of trying to eat bacon,
in what to him, each day, seems like an aeon.

I met him in his later winter years
with dentures loose, to shrivelled gums frustrate.
He chewed for hours and mixed his meat with beers
and nearly choked, I saved him. S’why we’re mates.

But now, we’re past all friendly conversation,
he quietly sends a look at me that's dark.
It is my fault. I sent the change-of-diet form.
I watch, while brilliant friendship fades to spark.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

A great write and the changes more of a reality than a fun side of life, but there is no getting away from reality lol,
Yours Ian

.
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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I've had a fair few views here, and as no-one has commented i was beginning to wonder if it was offensive to some. I guess one needs the nurses' sick sense of humour here - the punch is supposed to be in the last lines - a lessening of friendship with the nurse who changed his diet order to vitamised - for a time anyway, lol until he stops being angry at her, at least.

i actually hated doing this to one of my serious writes
I didn't find the actual changing of words and meaning difficult to do, but felt throughout, and still feel now, that i have spoilt a good write with facetiousness.

Anyway - it's done now lol
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

You still have the original. I have missed not only you and your analysis, but your poetry as well.
This is wonderful. It sounds like your hand.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for the very kind comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

The second write would bring tears to my eyes as I have old parents living alone miles away. The second write is all about them.
I really like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Tears eh ?
Obviously not funny to you either
Oh well - lol you win some you lose some ...
thanks rula
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

View it differently. It depends on how each person relates to the piece. I definitely relate especially to the first three stanzas but not funnily. However, this doesn't mean you haven't achieved the target. It's only me, I guess.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

A remarkable switch by changing just a few lines and the context....of course your prowess in poetry was never in doubt...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks raj
you are too kind
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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