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Now a Sunku, with rhyme

No scars
the past gone
you cannot see

when dark
quivering
so pitifully

I learn
what it was
that made me be me

The first version-
No outward
damage can be seen
the past,
therefore can not have been.

Still in the dark I sometimes see
the things that made me truly me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

The theme is excellent, so are the verses as expected of Poet of your stature. I am sure you will use your trimming tools effectively to prune this without losing its essence. Shall look forward to reading your trimmed version.

In fact, this being a workshop, I think that you may have deliberately posted this one as a lesson to demonstrate to the participants how to first let one's thought flow, before pruning them to a fine trimmed Sunku version.

Regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

for letting me off the hook for not posting anything even resembling a Sunku.

I will indeed work on it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

Now you've done it. Raj has forced tou to put a lot more thought into a random muse. And since muses often strike without regard to form you're gonna have to make some drastic changes. Good thing this isn't a rhyming shop lol. BTW I like the poem as is and expect the bones of it will be maintained in the revision..........stan

Weirdelf,
Thank you for posting your poem here,

My thoughts:
Damage is replaced by scars, sharper and more specific image. The word scars enhances the nearby word past. The meaning of the stanza is more obscure then in original version. I want to jump to the second stanza for an explanation.
Instead I see a vivid image of quivering darkness.
That is great on its own.

The third one

I learn
what it was
that made me be me

Have you learned it from the darkness?
How that relates to the scars-past line of thoughts?

The vibe of the poem - sore knowledge of the grown man with scars that healed almost completely turning into the dark outline of self - is haunting.
I want to write it up, not stepping on your heels, just something that comes from meditating on your lines

scars healed
almost in full
leave outlines

darkness
quivering
in between

here
slowly forms
my true self

I think it looks really good now, at the moment I simply love the result! Can we post it as a collaboration? No offence if you don't like it.

IRiz

IRiz, in fact as i had presumed, that was perhaps the intent of Weirdelf in posting a poem not conforming to Sunku so that others should attempt to convert it as you have done nicely...may be you two thought of this as workshop hosts...good team work i must say...lol..

However, at least to me the syllabi counts do not seem to be what they should be to be a Sunku

may be i should be trying my hand at it too...especially when Weirdelf is giving me $3.50 lol...

raj (sublime_ocean)

No scar
of a wound
or bleeding

The hurt
though remains
hidden within

Being
abandoned
adopted child

raj (sublime_ocean)

after all i don't think it is a good idea
to rewrite poems, I apologize to WeirdElf

IRiz

If you my attempt offending...please accept my apologies too...honestly it was a workshop attempt and no other intent...

respectfully..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I'm chuffed it was useful. Interesting that your interpretations reveal something about yourselves.

I will get to mine soon.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

It is not about myself....

raj (sublime_ocean)

No takey backey's!
You wrote-
Being
abandoned
adopted child

You might not be adopted but that says something about you. Nothing about abandonment or adoption in the original.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

It is a pleasure reading your poem.
I will re read it tomorrow. Tired.

IRiz

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