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Nothing Is Wrong...

My mind destroyed by the effort
of making sense of truth
I think about what should I say
of today's unbridled youth

All for lack of a message
I do not hear what they may say
it's shrouded by entitlement
Is this the modern way?

Give them an A for effort
a trophy for being there
Doesn't anyone ever fail?
If they do, I don't know where

Failure is not an option
but neither is a win
Because no one wants to lose
the race the world has put us in

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

gifted and honestly sincere people are destined to finish last. Discrimination of intelligence will be the norm. Cheer up. I'm sure they will take care of their elders...lol

Your meter and rhyming is good, anything erratic seems to add to the interest. I would work in some editing, though. I'm looking particularly at S2L2.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

the change to S2L2 makes it smoother? ~ Geez.
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author comment

Participation trophies, pass/ fail grading, pay for sitting on one's lazy butt....but NO hurt feelings. How can kids learn to cope with the real world if never being given the chance to fail and Deal With It? Last line second stanza.....You might think about turning this into a question.......IF my suggestion doesn't hurt your tender feelings lmao

I have asked for critique and I got it! How can I be hurt? Thanks Stan. ~ Geez.
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author comment

as I have seen many youth trying to cope with community violence, substance misusing parents, physical and sexual abuse, homelessness, hunger and other trials of poverty and general lack of concern with their wellbeing. They aren't getting any trophies despite pretty substantial effort. There are a couple of lines that could use some editing as mentioned earlier (S2, l1 - "all for lack of a message", maybe and S1, l3) although it flows along well overall. I feel like there's some untapped tragedy in the last stanza - who is it who needs their mistakes erased-the youth or their parents/communities? I am reminded of Yevtushenko's poem "Lies," which says, in part:

Forgive no error you recognize,
it will repeat itself, a hundredfold
and afterward our pupils
will not forgive in us what we forgave.

I was generalizing; as we all do. Yes, there are many dis-advantaged youth out there, and there is no end of blame to be spread around. To say that there is one source, would be foolish. However, there are many kids out there, that have come from broken homes, economic challenges and physical and mental abuse and yet made something of themselves and benefitted society. What makes them different? When we understand that, maybe we will have the answer to most of our problems. Thank you for your read and comments, you have been helpful. ~ Geez.
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author comment

I'm struggling with the message in your last stanza also. Although your explanation frames it, something about it doesn't quite tie it together with the impact it should; but i am a common person. Education has become a finger pointing game, parents vs. students vs. teachers vs. community vs. common sense. So therein lies the message. Far better to blame someone else than admit your own incompetence.
Social networking is not helping matters, but it will be (if it isn't already) far too late before people wake up.
I think L3 in your last stanza should read
"When soon will come the day of war" if you're looking for impact

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

that the last stanza needed more impact and hopefully, I have given it that with the changes made. Thank you for your insight. ~ Geez.
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author comment

but then don't say I'm egoistically indifferent
Give me an assurance and see
How I say things very differently
Will you listen to me
I have third generation kids
they teach me finer things
You wish to share with me
then give me FULL FREEDOM
consider me just
as one of your freer outspoken one
who uses brains ah what a kid
me be
just like tomorrows kid
O
GEE

that there are a lot of very fine children out there, but my message was; there are many instances, where children/people are given trophies and awards just for participating, a sort of feel-good thing that does nothing to prepare them for real-life! In my day, if you didn't apply yourself or simply were not capable for ANY reason; you lost! You didn't get a participation trophy to make you feel better. You tried harder or found some other activity that you were better at. ~ Geez.
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author comment

and you rather they like their minds to rest or rust... whichever suits then
that's why in AMERICAS AND UK they all conduct auditions
to see what is one worth of one's own

So we must change with times
Todays kid is the child who is the real father
of future man

lest we forget no child left behind ah but don't get me on my soap box, other than to say youth only know what they have learned from their parents how not to earn, yes I said earn what they want

Chrys

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of those that can do what others do, but choose not to, because they don't want to work as hard as everyone else. I didn't get a feel-good award in Math-class when I had a failing grade. When I ran a race on the track-team and came in 4th or 5th, I didn't get a " honorable mention". I learned that I was not able to keep up with the rest of them, and I better forget about earning awards, trophies and money by [participating]. ~ Geez.
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author comment

not sure if you intended this to be a debate, but there it is. In light of that, I think the word "unbridled" needs to be emphasized more clearly. I suggest another stanza focusing on that point or explaining more clearly your subject. Perhaps you could put it in all caps?

Dang.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

my intent, but there it is! I may take your suggestion of another stanza, but will look at that option in a bit. Thank you for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
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author comment
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