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Nothing To Lose ( Serious Limerick )

Nothing To Lose ( take 3 ) https://youtu.be/yHkHDxzwrLQ

Few are born with a silver spoon
less will fly to the far flung moon
some of the people
may climb that steeple
but most will remain out of tune.

With wealth that is sown up and stitched
and populous nations bewitched
there are many folk
who's lives are no joke
both chained up and poverty hitched.

But bankers are greedy for cash
and businesses still want their stash.
With political clout
there is little doubt
they'll get what they want in a flash.

In this world of burden and sweat
the poor man is poured out and set
he'll go to the grave,
no more than a slave
ripped off, trod down and in debt.

--------------------------------------

Nothing To Lose - take one

Few are born with a silver spoon
less will fly to the far flung moon
a hand full of people
may climb up that steeple
but most will remain out of tune.

With wealth that is sown up and stitched
and populous nations bewitched
there are many a folk
who are destitute, broke
while chained up and poverty hitched.

But the rich won't give up the chase
or care for the starving child's face
ignoring the bleeding
of those who aren't feeding
they'll eat well and walk at a pace..

In this world of burden and sweat
the poor man is poured out and set
being sold out and bought
by the upper crust snort
to pay off the country's bad debt!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Would this idea be of any use? I recorded the poem via my I phone and put it on youtube - you have to have a google account The link is at the top of the page Would that be a viable idea for other Neopoets?
Editing stage: 

Comments

A good take of the theme and one which many can relate to, I'm quite sure.
I am not an expert of the limerick form, but I thought if you can shorten line 3 and 4 in each stanza, it would work better. ( but only my opinion)

Also. I thought you could find another word instead of "broke" to rhyme with "folk".
But all in all I believe you've done a v. good job as you put a serious content in a form usually known for humorous subjects.
Bravo♥♥♥

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Soo nice to hear from you, I hope you are well. I will be taking your critique under consideration! and doing some research - I've been looking on line: first glance is that the structure is correct - but I need to look into it more: I used the word "Broke" because in England it means "short of money, without money" not sure if you knew that, but I thought it might change your opinion if you didn't. ( if you are still of the same mind let me know ).

Anyway I'm truly grateful for your observations and look forward to your reply: ( no hurry - as and when ).

Keep safe :)

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

A nice bunch of serious limericks you have here...I agree with Rula's suggestion....I wonder why you didn't take part in the recent work shop on Serious Limerick conducted by Jess....you would hae been a serious contender for the T shirt he had so graciously given away to the winners...i wouldn't have got it if you had participated ..:)

Much love n hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I have done a take 2 - hope it's a bit better! Good to see you :) Thanks for reading and commenting! Muchly appreciated.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

I liked the changes made in the retake.. You may want to look at the concluding limerick, in which i believe there is no connection between exploitation of poor and country paying off debt.

Well done..

love to you...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I don't know if the last stanza is any better! I'll look forward to knowing what you think! :) xxxx

Keep safe

Love Mand xxx

author comment

It looks better. I will see if I can come up with an alternate.

Much love and regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I did notice Jess's workshop - though I might be to late so didn't attempt to join. I haven't read your winning limerick yet but I'm sure it's a worthy winner. :) It's great that you won congratulations! well done and high five!

xxxxx

author comment

Did you see announcement of WS on humorous poems to be conducted by Chrys and Judyanne beginning January? If not, read it. I am sure you would love to participate.

love to you..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I did notice it and would love to get involved! xxx

author comment

Chrys has put up a revised schedule for the Humor WS which is rescheduled to begin 27th Jan. You may want to sign up there soon.

Love and regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

In this world of toil and sweat
the poor get trodden and set
when it comes to tax
the rich get the lax
nation keeps reeling under debt

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

You are sooo kind: taking the time and effort to help me out. :) I've replaced the last stanza - don't know if it's any better. I liked your suggestion - and will keep it close in mind! xxxx :)

Thanks again Raj

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

you forgot to tick the workshop so it didn't appear amongst the workshop submissions.
They are very good you "coulda been a contender"!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Soo nice to see you! Unfortunately "I think" I wrote this one after the workshop ended - but it is good enough that you like them: In fact I'm chuffed to little meat balls. :) Besides Raj was a worthy winner - so I'm happy.

Thanks for your encouraging comment: I hope all is well with you and the cats!

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

You now see that I was right about you being a serious contender had you posted these in time and in the Workshop. Jess agrees with me :)

Be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

You.re very kind but I'm happy, happy that you won - you deserved it. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxxxx

author comment

and I am totally impressed.
#1 is now perfect form, serious and meaningful.
#2 still stumbles a bit on meter, do you read them out loud to yourself?
hang on, I'm going to give you my own reading. Also, strictly speaking, each one should stand alone, though may be grouped by theme.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/nothing-to-lose-by-mand

I feel like you should get one of the prizes. Would you like my "Stardust Recycled" T-shirt? (un-washed optional extra [grins])

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks Jess! :) I love your reading - thank you so much! and thank you too for your lovely comment, which I found greatly encouraging! Sorry I've taken so long to reply: now the Christmas hols are over I hope I will manage a bit more time on the site. The T shirt sounds good! but don't worry - I think I may have left it to late to qualify! :)

Thanks again! you are very kind.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

It reads with courage and intelligence.
You have certainly broken the curse of the limerick necessarily being comic.
Although, I hark back again, with limerick they can be grouped by theme but are a different thing when they connect to tell a story.
A bit like haiku, much more like senryu.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

What did you think about the idea of presenting it on youtube? the link is after the title at the top. :) - ( as an example ). Just wondered if it might be a useful avenue.

Thanks for you lovely comment by the way!

Mand

author comment

We could create a YouTube Neopoet channel.
Since there isn't a strong visual element to the clip I took the liberty of extracting the Mp3, running it through Audacity to boost the volume and quality and filter noise a bit and posted it via Soundcloud to our Neopoet.com Facebook page. Nifty eh!
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/nothing-to-lose-by-mand-1
https://www.facebook.com/neopoet/posts/10154262502486306

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Wow! good idea - A You Tube channel would be great. and yes very nifty! I've copied the sound recording you did onto my You Tube post ( if that's o.k ) - which in turn is an advert for Neopoet,

Haven't looked on Facebook yet - will this afternoon. I think / hope this could be an avenue that Neopoet can use to good effect!

Love Mand xx

author comment

great idea Mand!
oh this poem
a vivid truth
describes my life
when I turn sixty five
and run off thepension
i get I paid into when
I worked hard
before I got sick
(mental issues)
I will get docked two
hundred dollars
a month
so
I have twelve years
of decent existance
by then bread here
will be five bucks a
loaf and coffee jar
will be ten!
smokes will be
forty!
Like the steeple
part!

thank U!

OMG - life is so scary - So many of us are living on the edge - lets hope things improve over the next 12 years.

Neo tube - that's a nifty title!

Love to you

Mand xxx

author comment

I happy U like title...
catchy.....Im hooked too neo poet
and U tube
cable television and xbox games
typical male..

thank U!!

Coming back to read this one since it came up in the stream again, I really feel that this seriously is a good serious limerick, not easy to connect many limericks to tell a story...

Cheers!

raj (sublime_ocean)

Apologies for late reply. Thank you sooo much for revisiting, reading and making such an encouraging comment! Muchly appreciated. :)

I hope all is well with you and family. :)

Love Mand xx

P.S I may not be around much over the next few months. ( I'll try to log in if I can ). My mum has just re-broken ( last week ) her hip and my dad has been diagnosed with primary heart failure, hence they are going to need lots of help. ( which more than likely means moving in with them for a long period of time ). Sister is helping so, hopefully, we will be sharing their care in double monthly shifts, though nothing is set in stone yet. Keep up the good work Raj - you are an amazing poet, your passion and skill clearly shines through!!!

author comment
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