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Not A Good Man

I am not a good man
but I'm not a bad man either.
I have a conscience.

Sometimes,
just walking down the street,
I remember a crime
committed thirty years ago
and walk into a telegraph pole.
Double over in pain.

Professionals say to forgive myself
and yet I still commit wilful evil.
When I think it's deserved.
But I know that's not my right.

I adore life.
I get a full on frisson
seeing a plane take off
or a rocket launch
or using my new SSD computer.

I love humanity
and despair of corporate personhood.
Those might be my last words
despair of corporate personhood.

Make CEOs, Directors and shareholders accountable
send the evil, uncaring fuckers to jail.
Would be my last request.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

about how to make this a better poem. I do share the emotion though. I have many regrets about things I have or haven't done [will-full omission] and so this resonates with me. You have made me think about the subject and therefore, I would consider this poem a success. Maybe not a really great work, but a success. ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

All you need is to forgive yourself and you will begin to love you.
Loved the write, though telling us so many personal things didn't shock me it gave me hope that there is a thought sequence that will make us all good, sometime..
Take care young Man and know we love you as you are and while we love you, you can't be bad can you..
Love the new picture I know you are still the same no matter what you cover up..
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

A very honest, raw write.
Is it a poor excuse for a poem?
I wouldn't have said so, the emotion it carries raises it above your description of it.
Obviously it reads well, wouldn't expect any less from you, and I like the repetition and emphasis of the object of your despair.
Jess, it's a poem I'm very glad I've read, but one I find hard to crit because it's so much a piece of you.
Thank you for posting it.
Jx

PS Bit of a cop out, but having read both Audri and Judy's crit, I am inclined to agree with them.
I think the poem stands very well finishing with your despair of corporate personhood.
The last part as it currently is, could be seen as a bit self indulgent.
Jx

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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

I think the use of 'wood' shakes the write in the wrong way....

Change that descriptive, cull the last three stanzas - finish the write with 'despair of corporate personhood', and I would say this would definitely not be a poor excuse for a poem....

Love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

wood
for men has a morning
different meaning
at your age one would expect reservations
for morning related woods
for all guys
jess

A remarkable poem
I too confess
that's why now I know
why you profess

loved is merely scrap
or
crap.

I bow to you
for your frankness

A man who can laugh at himself
alone is a human
and
despite odd moments
you are
a POET TREE
man
ask Snow man

Like the edit. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

(please give me a better name to call you by)
I used to work with Russel Mulcahy and Colin Wardrop, the inventors of concept rock videos. We made clips for The Saints, Midnight Oil, Skyhooks, Marcia Hines and others.
And thank you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

frissoned
reading this one

as you can probably tell from the poem.
Yeah, frisson is far more elegant than wood, but you know? Wood was more honest. Mark recognised it.
Certainly that self-excusing self-indulgent ending had to go.
Thank you all for your responses except Ian. I said in the poem I can not and will not forgive myself. I have a mean streak and my self flagellation keeps me honest.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I practised meter for so many years I no longer choose one and try to write to it. I write what "flows". I know there is no discernible meter here but does it "flow"?
I'm referring to Wesley's current workshop, which is really import and much needed by everyone on this site. The most powerful tool in poetry, also the most neglected.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Once one understands meter, then rhythm is mostly felt without need for selecting a particular meter to use
A sad poem or an angry write might just automatically begin with trochee, as would the lyrical automatically begin with iamb, humour with anapaest and so on....

Yes of course this flows Jess
I think the difficulty I find in writing free form is keeping the rhythm between the line spacings.... I don't think I have a handle on it yet...

As for your write, however, for what it is worth, I do pause at this stanza...

Sometimes,
just walking down the street,
I remember
a crime committed thirty years ago
and walk into a telegraph pole.
Double over in pain.

What's your thinking on the slight change of
Sometimes,
just walking down the street,
I remember a crime
committed thirty years ago
and walk into a telegraph pole.
Double over in pain.

I do prefer 'full on frisson' - actually I really love it lol
And although you feel 'wood' was more honest, it (imo) is a rather crude analogy and really detracted from the seriousness of the write.... upon reading it my brain simply only half read the rest of the poem, it so was pulled aside by the descriptive....

Love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thank you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

get off your high spiritual horse sometimes. You help some people but not me. Just listen to me, please.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I'm pretty sure that Jess is happy with his edits of the poem...
Jess wouldn't change his work to placate anyone :)

As for the interchange between him and Ian, they have known each other for a long time and understand each other well....

Ian will read this comment as Jess asking him to not send the sympathies as he is too pissed off at the moment to want to be nice. And he will understand... as I said, they know each other well.

You enjoy your day and don't concern yourself with these two old guys who sometimes clash in their beliefs

As for the use of the c-word .... well Jess may apologise, but I'm afraid it seems to have become part of acceptable male aussie vernacular ...
Love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I can stand up to Jess any time, and have done so for many years.
We both know what happens with him sometimes, but I have for the moment had enough of his stupid talk, and there are many poets that can't take this sort of abuse which he gives out.
I haven't the time or am not going to waste any more time on his ways, I think that there are others that can take over telling him that his behaviour is not good for Neopoet.
Thanks for your words to Audri..
Take care out there young Lady, Yours Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

It is best reserved for use in poems where it is necessary.
Judy is right and Ian's a big boy.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think I can deal with all that Jess throws at me, I have been here for near as many years as he has.
His rough talk to me over that time has been a lot worse but sometimes I feel that he needs to think before he spouts his verbal abuse at the poets here.
One of his main sayings is that critique and comments are needed on this site, that's a good laugh coming from him.
I was being kind on my comment of this poem, my fault I should have not been so nice it is a bad trait of mine, take care and not to worry, the name Sparrow may become vacant soon if this carries on.
If only he would spend time helping other poets by making good comments maybe he will be forgiven.
I am much to long in the tooth to take notice of his abuse.
Take care and will see you soon, Yours Ian .x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

..Good Echo but I think the original is adequate..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Such an ASSHOLE, who the hell do you think you are to use such abuse to someone that has supported you for the last 10 years.
I wrote a piece the other day outside of my average writes and you praised it.
Why should I help you in anyway, when your arrogance excels your intelligence most times, I am sick of your comments on a lot of our poets writes, and during the past many years I have walked along side you, sometimes taming your usual outbursts of filth, it cant be hate as you know very little about most of the poets you have verbally abused, so I put it down to you needing us, much more than we need you.
I have much better things to do with my time, than support a place that accepts your abrasive ways, why your so called poetry receives more comments than most poets here I just cant understand.
I suppose there will be an excuse somewhere on site as usual, but I think that this time you can stick it where the sun don't shine,
Yours Ian.T, Sparrow or Yenti take your pick..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

my very bad.
It was triggered though by you commenting as if you hadn't actually read the poem.
"Professionals say to forgive myself
and yet I still commit wilful evil.
When I think it's deserved.
But I know that's not my right."

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I read all of your poems, and as with loved I have hoped to read a work that lives up to your knowledge and structured in perfect form.
Your abuse is there in many forms but please stick to your principles, where you have always advocated that comments are on the works only and never on the person.
I must be getting old and tired to let such a thing get under my skin.
I look forward to the days when you find time to give me the benefit of your training and degree.
Take care and know that a love of others is there always no matter what,
Yours Ian.T..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

say
wood ...
nothing crude about it
I read guys spread like it
some say HARD ON
smiles
and
you say cheers
same way you smie

if woman
then say
good

and
if neither here nor there
cover your face
as you would
and
then say
what you
would or you could

once in a way
try be a poet
not a nasty cricket
sorry critque

machine gun me if it pleases you
I would stand by my wood
NOTWITHSTANDING
what others may say
can you please all
7.5 billion today
I say nay

KICK ME if you wish
but keep it your way
frisson is okay == it with wood
from today
don't worry what others say
blah blahz
again lovedly

read smile
actuo

with your definition of self indulgent.
I think the last lines of Jess's poem before he edited, were self indulgent.
He was indulging himself by a quick wallow in the bath of self pity.
Poem edited, self indulgent bit removed, job done. It tightened the poem up.
It doesn't do to always over complicate things.

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

wood in the mean time
of course
goes limp
frisson has to show its ink
let not the reader
but poet think
which is fit
wood or frisson
or let the poem become hotch- potch
only liquid
not woody
but limpy emotion

To me there are times when the actual physical form of a poem can be used to heighten the message the writer is trying to convey. And this poem is such. It seems that this poem kind of tapers off at the end to a rage against that which is beyond our control. In this case corporate greed. So in my opinion the actual length of the final few lines might better serve if they also tapered off.something like:
Make CEOs
Directors
Shareholders
.............accountable
Send them
to Jail
............................would be my last
request.

You can likely do this better but it might be worth your consideration..........stan

You are 100% correct and having googled it, self indulgent does indeed have another meaning in a literary sense. I didn't know this, so I have learnt something. I'd bet a pound to a penny that not many other people knew it either. I will still hold true to my original use of it, as I think it was appropriate.
We are however discussing a somewhat redundant point, as the section of poetry in question has been edited out.
You are quite right with your assumption that I'm not an advocate for self pity. I don't see it as a strength or indeed a positive attribute at all. Very possibly due to my 'Victorian' upbringing from which I find it difficult to completely escape. I will carry on taking the tablets and reading poetry though. In time I may be able to throw off this heavy burden. (She says grinning).

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

structure form..short
with enough meat on the bone
for flavor of which U have much
in the heart of the matter of
voice

corporate righteous
we got em here..
taking person instead of
professional
as if their title were not enough
but the affront we the little people
eeking out our squeak
taking a few things on here
and there along the way
sometimes...its like...
why? but i seen em pick
on others...
like survive the avalanche of
that great pious ignorance

no this mate...this poem
here you got is excellent!

brother Esker!

I'm happy with the revisions.
In my head I still read wood and a full-on frisson as euphemistic sarcasm, so I'm cool with it.
Might five it a rest and come back in a while for another look.
It's a bad sign when I abuse my friends.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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