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*Not of this earth*

Submitted by Serendipity on Fri, 2018-05-25 14:31

Nothing, not even an ocean,
can douse the weeping fire.
as thorns spear the night
blood stains a constellation

Clouds of stars swathe
reflecting only in my eyes,
goodnight mortals, sleep,
as Amun-Ra rides the light

The thousand billion orbs
contour around horizons,
I, in my robe gasp in awe
that I may bear a witness

There is no sound in heaven
but that of my sighing lips,
there is no dawn on earth
but of mans own creation

Nut softly drapes the veils
crepuscular cedes to dark,
elation fills my veins, again
I meet the dim afore dawn

Holding the moon in one hand
as inspiration drapes the other,
relinquishing my corporal form
I slowly vanish into the ether

Beware all you nightcrawlers
bewitching are these sights,
far consumed in this beauty
I am not made of this earth.
 
Come,
lay on this fabric brushed heaven,
Let go your chattal and worth.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Not satisfied with the title all and any suggestions welcome. Jayne...:)
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

raj

Fri, 2018-05-25 14:37

Goodness Gracious

You have left me gasping not being able to decide which one of the verses are my favorite...I have given up on that and decided to just applaud your creation...

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:14

Serendipity's picture

Awww thank you so much for your read and comment. I'm not very useful these days but these last few ? It's been good to write again. Its kinda like a dam has burst lol.

Many thanks

Love J xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

raj

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:38

It's good that you have warned us. Let the dam burst we are ready to float in your poems wearing life jackets...:)

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:34

Serendipity's picture

Psssst I am Jayne hahaha big smiles

A very goodnight or morning in my case now

J xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

raj

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:41

that wasn't an error...it was to check if you are awake or gone night night....:)

take care dear friend....

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:42

Serendipity's picture

Lmao nope still here hahahaha

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

raj

Fri, 2018-05-25 15:46

you must be sleep walking.....wishing you muse filled dreams while your reading glasses sleep...
.......................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Fri, 2018-05-25 19:08

Serendipity's picture

No dreams or sleep last night, but there is always tonight.. lol hugs xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

raj

Sat, 2018-05-26 05:50

for dreams to appear you first need to sleep...

take care and enough spells of rest
.............................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Sat, 2018-05-26 21:02

Serendipity's picture

Thanks Raj i need the rest. Rarely get much sleep these days.

Hugs J x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Serendipity

Sat, 2018-05-26 21:08

Serendipity's picture

Wow long time no speak !!! Awww thanks so much for the read and visit. I'll be popping round your way later today. If you do have any suggestions I'd be grateful normally don't have trouble with titles
Seems I'm a bit rusty in that area.

Thanks so much for the Wowza big smile. As always I'm never sure till I post them if they are any good.

Love and hugs J x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2018-05-26 13:20

Geezer's picture
Advocate badge

with eyes that see the stars so. Many, many great lines here! I would only change the last line so that it reads: "Let go your chattel and worth". You have already used the word relinquish [which has a typo].
I feel that it has a more powerful attitude, to say; "Let go". All in all, as great as anything you have done. The title is alright.
P.S. You might want to add "Nut" as the mother of Ra, who swallowed him every night and gave birth to him every day at dawn. You could say; "Nut, softly drapes the veils". Just a suggestion, use it or not.
Love and higgest bugs, ~ Bro.

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Serendipity

Sat, 2018-05-26 21:21

Serendipity's picture

Omg I missed that typo and I checked it a few times thanks for pointing that out. I love your suggestions in both cases. I will change that when I do the edit. I really dont like this title it just seems too vanilla considering the content. I usually have no problem with titles but this one eludes me.

Thanks so much for the suggestions and the visit I'm so hsppy you liked this one.

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

Edit:- I've applied both of your suggestions see what you think :)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2018-05-31 08:06

Geezer's picture
Advocate badge

the changes! Not so much because I suggested them, but because I truly feel that you have written something really great and I am glad to have been able to help you smooth it out. You have written some really good stuff in the past, but this seems to have surpassed a lot of it. ~ Love and higgest bugs, ~ Bro.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Serendipity

Sun, 2018-06-03 15:42

Serendipity's picture

Glad you like it bro, and you know me i am always open to suggestions and yours are always carefully thought out.

Nearly 6am here i should try and sleep been a long weekend. In more ways than one

Just posted another.

Love and higgliest bugs always and forever Sis xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

raj

Mon, 2018-05-28 05:23

how about

Eye of My Zone
My Zonescape
Escapade
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Serendipity

Sun, 2018-06-03 15:44

Serendipity's picture

Hmmm ill give those suggestions some thought thanks Raj big Hugs of love xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

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