Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Nobody Likes Cold Feet

Submitted by gregwa8 on Mon, 2018-05-07 14:20

nobody likes a lover
with cold feet

i mean frozen toes
beneath the covers

or frigid digits
escaped from snow boots

pressed against
your naked thigh

but one body lives
to warm another

fetch a pair of fuzzy socks
or share a fire place

embracing the challenge
of turning cold into comfortable
estranged into ecstatic

we might be afraid
to face the flames

the prick of feeling again
like a hundred pins

or of making our lover
feel our icy skin

but a fiery future awaits
and our hearts will thank us

when the warmth of love
wraps us both up again

like a bulky blanket
like a nice hot bath

drawn by one sensitive
partner or another

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2018-05-07 15:39

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

My only criticism is that I would delete the lines about [other ways and like fuzzy socks and fireplaces].
good stuff!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

raj

Mon, 2018-05-07 16:09

I think your poem is more stuck on cold feet rather than progressively move to the next gear

to create a more intimate feel you could use something like

just a few suggestions which may or may not work for you

nobody likes to play in freezing chills
while swinging in love like daffodils

rubbing soles frozen like ice
is like a cake without an icing
bake a cake between the thighs
in front of a crackling fire

the poem has a lot of seed for sure
....................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

tyro

Mon, 2018-05-07 17:44

I think this is exceptionally good. Your aim is to convey an idea, a way of seeing life. And you present it in a very clear way. the obsession with cold feet I liked as well, because it built up how terrible they would be against a warm thigh.
The pivot and real force of the poem is the challenge. The challenge of giving, of finding comfort, and the potential benefits that might ensue:
"when the warmth of love
wraps us both up again"

I do have one negative in an otherwise excellent poem. The ending seemed a bit flat. Maybe its just me. Anyway, an idea popped into my head, have and look and see what you think.

like a bulky blanket
like entwined body heat

like

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

gregwa8

Mon, 2018-05-07 23:11

gregwa8's picture

Thanks for the comments, everybody! I made some edits based on your comments, that I think improved the poem, filled it out, gave it more cohesion, and made it end on a higher note.

author comment

gregwa8

Tue, 2018-05-08 01:45

gregwa8's picture

you've got it, mark! that is just what I was going for: one partner coming in from the cold and inflicting their cold feet on their lover. and, of course, also the second meaning of "having cold feet," not feeling comfortable committing to something. and a partner being "sensitive" to that and comforting them in the ways that they need.

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2018-05-08 15:54

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

that you took a few suggestions and still did things your own way. It's much better! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-05-08 22:11

Eumolpus's picture

Enjoyed...
What else to say?
You get older...you wear socks!

...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.