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NO ROYALTY HERE (edited)

Looking down at his bare, dirty feet
realizing he is really chaff in the winds of life,
with contexts blowing in the shifting winds of experience,
feeling like a squire at the knight’s stirrups,
while trudging up the rocky slopes out of the sad valley.

There is no substitute for this particular freeing
the moment that what was,
isn’t any more.
Humbling,
seeing that the old is gone.

The newness,
jarring the whole relation
of twoness,
now a solitary oneness
is not a painless freedom.

Hearing the bear outside
knowing the fragile nature of the solitary figure,
hearing in the wind, again, the bear outside
fearing the bear,
fearing the bear.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am using white space in this piece and effectivly creating two poems within the piece. That was in my roughs…. And the edits here i like better. It started off as one poem, with no white spaces Then after experimenting with the white space, i liked what I saw.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

could use a little edit and remove some words that don't make much of a difference to the thought.
"realizing the he is chaff, in the winds of life." Delete [really]

"contexts blowing, in the shifting winds of experience." Get rid of [with]

"the moment that was, isn't any more" delete [what]

"the newness, jarring the whole thing of two, now a solitary of one
is not a painless freedom."

[The words of oneness and twoness are clunky
and detract from the thought.]

I would use the last line: " Hearing the bear outside, fearing the bear, fearing the bare."
to emphasize the feeling of alone.

As always, you are welcome to use or discard any of these suggestions. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

I’ll take this one back to the drawing board. It is a late night venture. Your suggestions are great food for thought.

Oneness and twoness are not well understood by many, hence your assessment of “clunky”
However these two words are integral to the context of the poem
I think these are going to stay
Guess “chaff in the wind” is too self-pitying, eh?

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author comment

it's your poem. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

Hiya, Ray...... and Geezer.

I get the poem, I like the poem.
The language used and the tale told.

I'm no aficionado of punctuation but the placement of commas threw me off the rhythm a little!
(As I said, punctuation reeaally isn't my thing, so, I may be talking bollocks!)

Obi.

I havn’t been back to edit…. However,some of the suggestions made are valueable.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author comment

Bear of time becomes louder and more menacing as age piles up. As to the poem, I liked it but it might be a bit better and even more visually pleasing if some of the longest lines were either condensed or cut into 2 lines

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