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No Other Animal

No Other Animal

I was there at the beginning
of time, watching minutes
hours and seconds begin
their majestic climb.

I saw our planet explode
out from fusion, escaping
disaster through a giant
contusion.

Hurtling through a black hole
like blood through a severed
vein,moving at speeds it
could never maintain

Slowing to become
what is now known to
us as planet earth,
Only man could name
then destroy that which
had given us, our birth.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
We don't love our planet enough, we only see the profit.
Editing stage: 

Comments

as I like this theme, I had some trouble in gathering the thoughts that made this work. Although there are those that decry the use of a strong rhythmic-pattern, I feel that it's use here would help. If you are going to use punctuation, do so with the thought in mind, that it can be used to develop pauses and make for emphasis on a particular point. Also, the actual structure of the stanzas, [ how many lines in a section ] can be valuable in keeping the rhythm. The use of the word [believe] doesn't add anything to the poem and in fact, makes one think about whether or not this is a dream, a fantasy or some such. That is not conducive to getting the message of the work. All that being said; I like this and think that it might be the start of a very good poem.
I think that you have great potential here! ~ Gee

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Thank you Gee, as always your comments are very helpful and appreciated. I will certainly try to improve this poem. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

and you tackled it bravely.
I tend to agree with Guy that "I believe" is detracting in the first line. It would not be hubris to leave it out, it would add to the sense of visionary.

The line
"like blood through a vein,"
is all wrong man! At the very least spurting red arterial blood, but blood itself is too slow for the cosmic events unfolding.

Can you find a better word than beautiful for the last line?

Actually those are my only complaints. Love the concept and conceptualisation. Of course, cosmologically speaking it's full of holes, but hey, you're a poet, you're allowed.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Bf32x4facy

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

As above with Gee i always appriciate your insight and constructive comments. And will certainly work on this. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Bf32x4facy
Always want to know if me and my Aussie accent helps or hinders.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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