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No Juice or Jam (Running on Empty Challenge)

I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment.

Fear siphons power to play
War games without consent.

I am bunkered in the crippling confines
of a broken nervous system.

Why can't I lift Thor's hammer
To forge an escape?

Worthiness requires capacity
In this callous world.

God I'm so tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.

A breath tips me forward,
Please don't trip.
This fucking treadmill !

I am starving but my
Salvation hides in the moment.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

A breath tips me forward,
Please don't trip.
This fucking treadmill !

Do you think that would work out better?
Later,

Make Critique Please

Thanks Mark, I agree. Punctuation added :-)

I changed "Frigid" to "Infernal" in line 3

and "cold" to "callous" in line 8.

I felt that "Freeze" in line 10 should not have competition with previous words.

author comment

Lots of edits, I like to think poetry is an occupation always under development of skills.
The language in this version seems stronger to me.
Love the title too.
Later,

Make Critique Please

Hey Mark, I did a partial rewrite of it. Take a look.

author comment

More logical. When I saw Thor's Hammer I thought that it would work as a simile if somehow it could be made into one.
Later,

Make Critique Please

Somewhat redolent of "The Who" lyrics!
Its a side step from the norm,
non of it makes any sense whatsoever
and yet,,,,,,,,,,,,, it works!

Well done mate.

Obi.

Thanks Obi — got Pete’s number by chance? Maybe he’ll want to collaborate…

Jamie

author comment

'fraid not, but he has me on speed dial should he feel the need !

Obi.

'fraid not, but he has me on speed dial should he feel the need !

Obi.

Shit,,,, got me stu,,,stu,,, stutter!

down the rabbit-hole approach to the challenge. Like Alice on steroids, it charges ahead with electricity from the treadmill.
~Geezer.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

My world is exhausting, but I soldier on... lol

author comment

Hiya mate.

Just a thought, but you might try leaving the original posting of the piece as it is, then, post any alterations/edits in the comments section, that way a reader can follow the evolution of it,,,,,,, just a thought !

Obi.

Man is this shaping up..

Make Critique Please

Might be close...

Gotta say I appreciate the support and guidance of this site.

author comment

Just added two lines... Hey look -- I am writing a longish poem!

author comment

I posted and early version below -- for a more thorough play by play, readers can click Revisions and get the full monty, yeah?

author comment

I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment

Frigid memory traps
Circle my glass house

Can’t lift the war hammer
To let myself out

Capacity equals worthiness
This cold cruel world

God I’m fucking tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.

Pray and breathe deep until
I lean and stumble forward
On the treadmill.

author comment

I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment.

Fear siphons power to play
War games without consent

Bunkered in the crippling confines
of a broken nervous system

Can't lift Thor's hammer
To forge an escape.

Worthiness requires capacity
In this callous world.

God I'm so tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.

A breath tips me forward,
Please don't trip.
This fucking treadmill !

I am starving but my
Salvation hides in the moment

author comment
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