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No corruption in our bones
In piss and shit and filth we grovel deep
Our masters grin so smugly at our plight
So helpless we abase ourselves in sleep
Yet knowing that there is a way to fight
On Wall Street and each other sign of wealth
Our presence can’t be lied away as mad
There is no longer any need for stealth
The fight is a political jihad
No mercy for corrupt and greedy pricks
Their time has come and changes start to show
we will not fall for trickle down’s last tricks
the bosses will be struck a deadly blow
We pity fools who still believes the lies
and scramble for some cast-off coloured stones
yet help them in the knowledge that defies
humanities corruption in its bones
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Sydney, Australia
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The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard
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Comments
judyanne
Sat, 2012-05-05 06:51
i just love the opening lines
'In piss and shit and filth we grovel deep
Our masters grin so smugly at our plight'
i also really like
'The fight is a political jihad'
i suppose that you know that
'capitalism will be struck a deadly blow'
and
'Pity fools who still believes the lies' --- (believe?)
are respectively a mite long and a mite short - and both lose the iambic
suggestions
'the fat cats will be struck a deadly blow' (or moguls, tycoons, bankers)
and
'So, pity fools who still believe the lies'
and the ending is very powerful - a powerful write overall - marx would be proud of you :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-05-05 07:54
brilliant feedback, love you, spot on.
I'll work on it.
I originally intended a sonnet, for the disparity between classical form and radical content, but it wouldn't quite fit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-05-07 23:12
done
tiny edits make big differences, eh
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentLinda Moses
Sat, 2012-05-05 15:31
Policical Jihad...You are right
america is asleep. I have been wondering how much longer they will put up with what is being done by the government.
Bankers, part of the Federal Reserve system. No more Federal than I am. Rothschilds,
Rockafellers, Leaman's, etc. since early 1900's. A few powerful men pulling the strings, and they are not likely to be going away. President not willing to try and stop them, these guys are murderous.
Lilke the line "Our masters grin so smugly at our plight", because it is too true.
I think I am becoming a tad bit radical. Must be the strong Irish heritage
do not misunderstand me, I will fight for my country if need be, and would be the first to shoot if the ufo's landed on the whitehouse lawn. (no I do not believe in ufo's.)
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
Lenny of Cohen
Sat, 2012-05-05 15:55
Bullseye!
Spot on! In the UK most folk are plugged into the System's Grid and pay more attention to what's on the television.
As for the above posters remarks regarding UFOs - they've been here for thousands of years! Well before Roswell! The evidence is there if you look, check out Jim Marrs books and documentaries. I've caught two UFOs on camera, and I am an abductee.
As for fighting for my country - no! I'll fight for my family and friends. Our respective governments take the piss out of us on a daily basis. Our freedoms are eroded away on a daily basis, the police behave like thugs, and the military are blood and gore junkies!
But Jess, their is a mass awakening and a tipping point is not too far away. Great piece of writing.
LG
_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent
Wei Wu Wei
Linda Moses
Sat, 2012-05-05 17:08
Actually
Lenny, I have seen some things I cannot explain. Even chased one for miles one night on a dark country road. It was flying low over a corn field, and I could see it out my side window, It played with us for a while, and fook of with a sharp right angle and was gone in an instant. What did I think I was going to do with it if I caught it. Other instances also. My brother felt he had been an abductee from the time he was a toddler. so please do not take offense
and sir, the above posters name is Linda, very glad to meet you Lenny.
Sincerely, Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
Lenny of Cohen
Sat, 2012-05-05 23:09
Apologies!
No offense was meant Linda! Interested in your "encounter" though - maybe we can discuss further in PM?
LG
_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent
Wei Wu Wei
romantic_bohemian
Sat, 2012-05-05 22:21
So true.
I like these lines :
No mercy for corrupt and greedy pricks
Their time has come and changes start to show
we will not fall for trickle down’s last tricks
capitalism will be struck a deadly blow
Yes, and the message behind the poem.One day I hope Truth and Justice will prevail.
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-05-05 23:16
Thanks Linda, Lennie, Boheme
I appreciate your responses.
Now I await the right-wing backlash [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentRula
Sun, 2012-05-06 02:09
powerful indeed
I can also strongly relate. There is a kind of discontent and dissatisfaction in the whole world.There should be a change, and I hope it will be very soon..
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Linda Moses
Mon, 2012-05-07 03:13
Lenny
would enjoy discussing the experiences further, especially your abduction incident. I knew a lady ( who was Irish/Indian heritage, as am I, with the obligatory English also, of course, say that the Irish tend to have more unusual encounters. Do you think this is true
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-05-07 03:56
it seems to me
that the Irish do have more sense of the eldritch, and had some fairly uncanny experiences myself while travelling there.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentRoscoe Lane
Mon, 2012-05-07 04:22
Tremendous,
Tremendous, Love it, poetry must be for pleasure like we all appreciate, but also there must be a message sometimes. If only we had the means of posting this to a more open market, like they bastards when they wan't to get their message across, tv, radio, ads all over on billboards. Anyway i'm starting to rant, that's what your poem has done for me, as i said tremendous poem, but i dissagree with Judy on the line, Pity fools who still beleives the lies, I would have, Pity to fools who can believe their lies. Great poem. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-05-07 05:30
ta mate
thought you might like this one.
It is tremendously difficult to write something overtly ideological without sounding like banner waving sloganism.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-05-07 23:14
done
cast-off, worthwhile change, ta.
You know what clicking Nominate button did? Sent me an email saying "Content Flagged Apply to participate in a workshop". Weird.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2012-05-07 22:29
Hi Jess
First...kudos for actually writing a rhyming work.And WITHOUT being challenged to do so lol. I'll turn you to a classic writer yet (wink). Unbridled capitalism as displayed by the present multinational corporations are likely among the greatest evils of our time. There is nothing wrong with limited capitalism as long as it is enlightened with the realization that there are times when the bottom line is Not the ultimate arbiter. Now hold your nose for a few alternative ideas for your poem:
S-1,L-3 try numb instead of abase (sleep more likely to numb someone than to abase them
S-2, L-1 try realm instead of sign. For some reason sign just does not seem to be the perfect word (Realm doesn't either but may be closer)
S-3,L-2 Try The time has come for them to go, simpler
DAMN!......now I'm gonna have to write another free verse lmao......................stan
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-05-07 23:27
ta mate, but remember, I was trained classical
before I took up freeform, it's a bit like riding a bike. You keep falling off when pissed.
mmm, lets look at those suggestions
So helpless we numb ourselves in sleep
it is more 'likely' but screws the meter and not as strong. Abase- think rufies and date rape.
On Wall Street and each other realm of wealth
sign has different connotations to me due to an education in semiotics and post-modernism. Think of sign as short for significator and give me a single syllable simile, preferably beginning with w to throw in some alliteration [grins]
The time has come for them to go
One foot short, mate.
Thanks for the thoughtful suggestions.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
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